Back to school is the weirdest feeling. It’s not the same high school back to school where I buy a couple notebooks, think about what my period 1-7 might be, then see my usual friends at our usual spot. It’s also not like my freshmen year where I had an entire staff team dedicated to making me feel right at home in college. Now, it feels so…off.
At least last year, as a freshmen in high school, there was a set guideline. Steps were laid out for you.
- You go to orientation, then there are people and students giving you tips and advice for college.
- Then you eventually move into the dorms, and there are people always by your side directing you to your room or building and what you do next.
- Then there’s welcome week, where activities and events are laid out for you to choose from.
- RA’s literally hand you things to do when you’re bored. There are so many opportunities on campus that are shared with you, and so many things you can try.
- Then you go to class, and there’s a mandatory meeting with your advisor who helps you with your schedule.
Everything had a set pattern if that made sense.
And now for the second year of college, there’s a new independence that’s a step above the independence I had last year. It’s a weird feeling. I feel like every year in college the grip that was so tightly put around my neck is being slowly freed, but I have no idea how to react to the new independence. So rather than running as fast as I can away from the restraints, I just kind of sit there, waiting for someone to tell me what to do with my life.
It’s only been one week since I’ve moved into my apartment, and only three days of classes, but I’ve never felt so…dry.
So restrained, and bored, and ridiculously miserable. The friends that I saw in the dorms last year are in other apartments. I’ve only talked to my housemates. I haven’t been outside my apartment really since there’s no need to. And I just feel so…miserable.
I guess it really hit me that I never really made any strong friends last year. I met several acquaintances but I never formed that deep enough relationship with anyone to actually see them outside of school. Or the dorms.
And it’s so frustrating. I feel trashy, like I’m not good enough to even have any real friends in college, or even people to go out with. But I realized my mistakes, rather than truly trying to build relationships with people, I was just content with saying “hi” to them and having small conversations every once and a while. The transition from the dorms to the apartment is such a big one for me I don’t really know how to feel.
Now, after a couple weeks in the 2nd year routine, I realize the difference between having a good experience as a second year is the initiative and motivation you put into making it a great year.
Yes, no one is holding your hand and handing you an itinerary of things to do anymore, but that’s the point. While it’s a sudden transition, it only seems overwhelming if you haven’t been independently seeking things to do.
I did do things last year. I joined a dance class, a couple clubs, even got my first job on campus, and now, I feel like I don’t compare to anything that I did last year. But I need to put in the effort.
The beginning of this post was written during the first week of school. I was miserable. I’m less miserable now, but I feel as if I haven’t changed much. And so friends, the second year of college (for me) is really about stretching myself out even more. Really trying to do things that I set my mind to.
I need to think of goals, and pathways. I can’t aimlessly walk around without a purpose.
And as wacky and inconsistent as this blog post is, I think it’s a good representation of where I am now.
Confused, choppy, and jumping to whichever conclusion.
I need to get out of this sophomore slump and find what I want to do with my life.
If only it were that easy.