Another short essay on feelings im feeling

How can it both feel like absolutely nothing and aboslutely everything is happening all at once? There was a slight explosion of new things to do for work and I don’t know. It’s a bit overwhelming.

It’s easier to not do the things I want to do, and just lay around and mope. It’s a lot easier to go back to easy coping mechanisms, like checking instagram, twitter, tumblr, pinterest, reddit- all of these social media holes that don’t really add much to my life.

It feels like junk food. Once you’re accustomed to eating sugary snacks it’s a lot easier to not be mindful and snack on unhealthy things around you. Then it turns into a dependency, and it’s no longer a choice. It’s what your body knows.

How we conduct our everyday lives are that way.

This morning I actually got up to do quick cardio and an arm exercise. I imagined myself at the same time a past day choosing to stay in bed scrolling on social media for a good two hours rather than exercising.

Two different versions of myself, and I was so much happier with the one that got up.

It’s not easy to be the person who chooses to do what they want to do. It’s much easier to shrug and ignore, coast and coast. Then there are times when the bud is closed so tightly it hurts to stay put or something like that.

Whatever the quote is.

Being mindful matters. Facing things directly and immediately helps, rather than pushing things off with feelings of doubt and anxiety.

Everyday, little by little, it really is important.

Rather than playing youtube videos in the background- explore all different types of music.

I’m talking by country, by genre, by sound, by decade. The type of music that won’t distract you though.

Scrolling on youtube takes time and it’s actually very distracting.

It’s the little choices that count too. The decision to stop and take a moment to make conversation with your parents. To really hear what they’re saying with patience.

It’s so weird to think that we’re all going to have our end on this planet. I’d rather explore what’s on this earth, what we can do, what we can contribute, and how we can help others live their lives on this planet with comfort. That’s all we can do.

I don’t really want to be sucked in such a narrow hole of being. Staring at a screen all day and not connecting.

It’s a muscle we must practice, and as clumsy as we may be now, we will be better some day.

Doing tiny tiny scary things and trying to forge on in life!

To be quite honest, I’m still where I was exactly one year ago from now. I’m still in my part time job that’s online, and I’m still not in grad school, and I’m definitely not thriving on a writing or youtube side hustle.

But, I think I’m growing.

Slowly, painfully slowly, it feels like leaves are sprouting inside me and I’m trying my best to grow. It feels like this constant inner battle where I’m slumped over refusing to put my foot forward then another version of myself slaps that girl silly until I finally cave and drag my body a centimeter forward.

It’s been one year, but I tried doing small tiny (I’m talking miniscule) things that scare me. And I think there’s a momentum going. Woah, okay momentum is a bit of an exaggeration, maybe we can say I’m chipping at myself. There’s a dent, the foot is hovering over the gas pedal, my thumb is on the call button- I’m almost ready.

But hey, with these analogies, I hypothetically got in the car, and I hypothetically picked up the phone and dialed so that’s something right?

This past year I’ve noticed I’m very very scared of a lot of things.

I was very scared of new meetings we had at work. I was very scared of going to an in-person event we had last week. I was very scared of driving on the freeway to get to that event. I was very scared of creating a youtube video for my empty channel. I was very scared of calling people for outreach at my job.

I was just very scared in general.

But the miraculous thing is, each time I steeled myself and I said, “girl if you dont do it, you’ll regret it”.

Or to be quite honest, I didn’t have a narrative that was very logical. It went more like:

“Hmnnnnn ahhh????? Um!!!!! Errghhhhhhhhhhh???!?!?!?! Okay. Huh, uMMMMMMMMM???”

Then I did it.

It’s also very easy to shame yourself for being scared of small things in the first place, and very very easy to shame yourself if you don’t end up doing what you’re scared of.

Shame is such an ugly feeling. I’d rather deal with that minimally. I’d rather deal with embarrassment. Both are unpleasant but one is less negative and I’d rather feel silly with embarrassment than dark and gloomy with shame.

To not feel shame I guess this means I need to be more accepting of where I am currently, and to not be upset when I don’t get immediate results from trying to change. I just can’t keep shaming myself yall!!

Either way I’m doing things I’d rather not do, I’m trying to step my toe out of my comfort zone, and while it’s an agonizing snail’s pace, here are some things that are definitely different from June 2 2020 vs. June 2 2021:

1. Kind of sort of trying to allow myself to create ugly things and fail

Hence, the creation of my failed blog and youtube channel. My first youtube video is absolutely horrendous. I’ve only made 3 and their all unwatchable. I still uploaded them, and I know it’ll take a lot of tinkering and doing until I can get to a level where they are watchable.

But you know what? Each and every single video I learned something. That’s awesome.

It’s still hard for me to get up and do something when I know I’ll be bad at it, but I’m trying. I’d like to make more youtube videos, and I’m also doing journal spreads which intimidated me at first because it’s hard to get that “aesthetic”. But then I said “fuck it” and just did journal spreads even if it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, and you know what?

It’s been a lot of fun.

2. I’m exercising a lot more regularly

That’s it. That’s the statement. It’s so so so so much easier for me to get back up and exercise after a long break. There’s a lot less resistence, and I’m even adding on arm exercises and…enjoying it. I remember last year I would literally take an entire week of shaming myself before I could do short workouts.

Now i’m more used to it. wow god bless reliving the days where my brain was so dark and I hated myself for not exercising.

Now I’m so happy if i get a 20 minute cardio and if i don’t do it i know i’ll do it eventually.

3. When new opportunities arise, I steel myself and say OKAY we CAN DO THIS.

Whenever my boss gave me a new small task, my immediate reaction would be NONONONOOONONNONO.

I’m SCARED I CANNOT!!! But then this weird inner peace would settle, and I would tell her, “How exciting! Yes I can take that on!”

And to be quite honest, I never do things very well the first time, but I didn’t exactly fail. Because I tried!!!

Either way it was kind of out of character for me to not panic into an abyss, but I think I’m learning and growing.

Last year when I first started my job I was afraid to hop into group zoom calls. I distinctly remember hyperventilating when going into a BIRTHDAY ZOOM. Now I’m okay with zoom calls.

I know.

See how hard it is to not shame yourself? I”m telling myself it was social anxiety mixed with the unknown and Ugh.

Absolutely nuts I was anxious about that, but i did it 🙂

4. Thinking about my future seriously

Last year I just wanted to exist. Or so I thought. I was so so so miserable with the lack of life goals and direction, and I thought it was because of society’s standards pressuring me to have a perfect life blah blah victimizing myself blah blah.

I just didn’t want to think of where I should go, because I felt pathetic that I wasn’t going anywhere. Guess where that led me?

NO WHERE.

Now I’m trying to plan things even if it won’t work out. That’s okay, as long as we’re trying to move right?

Now I’m thinking of getting a full time job, and applying to grad school. I’m glad I have friends who are doing it before me, they can help me out. And I use them as inspiration.

Literally last year I just wanted to “work in a cafe”.

Yikes I know, I KNOW.

I can do that part time alongside full time but come on girl I can’t believe. Thank god I never went down that route wtf is wrong with me. It’s just bc it ultimately doesn’t align with what I want. I KNOW that if I ever go down that route I’m never getting out of it.

I think I would’ve developed a very bitter mindset especially watching my peers go after what they want while I hand Matt his second double shot espresso on a Monday morning.

lol someone help me at 23.

5. Its not all about me smfh- still working on it

Last year was very miserable bc of how often i focused on myself, my trajectory, my future.

Same right now, but I’m trying to branch out and help others.

Well, starting now. Today. Deep in my mind i know i should do more, so I will.

its not all about ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright well that’s that. Is this another validation post because I’m feeling behind compared to my peers but I’m trying to be nice because we all go in different paces and I’m trying my best starting NOW?

Yes.

LOL.

okay bye, hope you’re all doing so super well!

Best,

hikae