Two Worlds Apart: Manila Squatters & Orange County Beacheside Houses

In a haze of being particularly unhappy and slightly suffocated this past weekend (I was cooped up indoors because I was tired), I decided to head to the beach before going to work. I work at 2pm, and I headed to the beach at 9;30am after my morning shift.

I had a lot of useless shit on my mind, and I just wanted to see the ocean. As dramatic as it sounds, I went for a walk and stared off at the water for a good hour. I felt so so lucky that I was able to do that. The beach?? Before working a short afternoon shift? Was I an heiress or what?

As I walked I looked at all of the people I passed by who were able to walk on the beach on a Monday morning.

Old white men with earpieces chatting about “having a fucking bloody mary when I want to have one”. An old asian couple doing power walks as the wife rotated her arms to further increase her heart-rate. A college aged girl gripping her surfboard after an intense session with the waves. Mom’s with their best pal, or on the phone with their best pal, chatting about whatever comes to mind. Everyone was at ease, everyone was just walking alongside the beach.

Then I took in the scenery, with the three story mansions looming over the cliffside. Construction workers building even more amenities to the abundant housing. Luxury cars cruising by every once in a while.

It was so perfect.

And seeing this large picture, with every passing minute and every step I took alongside the beach…

I became angry.

I was so angry I started crying.

How unfair.

It was so different to what I saw when I went to the Philippines recently. During car rides to Manila, I saw the familiar outlines of small cement block houses, with their signature rusted aluminum roofs. While I was used to the small houses with tin rooofs (as I live in one when I visit my grandparents), it was the first time I saw people living in half abandoned construction sites without walls, their laundry on lines as if they were curtains. The creeks and rivers were unsurprisingly filled with trash. And while I shopped at a flea market, small children were selling little palm leaves for 25 cents each. I think the youngest kid was at most 3 years old, he probably just learned how to walk last year.

And looking at the scene, I felt pity, and that pity turned into disgust and guilt. There was something so incredibly distancing when you feel pity towards the country that you came from.

I have never felt so much dissonance within me until I had these thoughts.

I didn’t feel Filipina. Especially since I have to write about this experience in English, and not Tagalog.

I felt like a white photographer from California that takes quick snapshots of poor filipino children and gets rewarded for “unearthing the vulnerability of the filipino people”, and ultimately romanticizing poverty rather than helping anyone’s situation.

In that moment, I was the other, looking down on my blood and origin.

It’s a no brainer that I can excuse this feeling of pity for “human sympathy”, or even argue that it’s “empathy”. I too was in the lower class when I first came to America! I understand! I feel and know the struggle! 

But the fact that I even made it to the U.S. shows how much privilege I had once I was born. My family was in a good place, good standing, and great situation. We had money, and enough to not be hungry, enough to buy plane tickets and applications to reside in the US.

It feels odd starting from one side of the class spectrum to growing into the other. I can lo longer relate to being below the poverty line because my family isn’t there anymore. We’re a comfortable middle class, and denying this just denies my privilege.

Realizing the level of privilege I have compared to others is uncomfortable, disconcerting, and I want to strongly deny it.

I always compared myself to the average white female living in their two story semi-mansions whom I went to high school with. I never compared myself with those in the Philippines because I never had to face that reality on the daily. I was mildly aware of it, like “yeah yeah I’m lucky I know”, but I never took the time to really process it. It was the no-brainer “of course I’m luckier than poor kids obviously”, but I never paid mind to it.

I think it was the first time I realized that being grateful for what I had, also meant that I had the mindset of “thank god that’s not me”. A very natural survivalist, human reaction and thought that I do not like one bit. It feels insincere.

And walking on that beach, I realized I lived and observed both ends of the spectrum, and I was just so angry with how life turns out.

Why do other people suffer so much, but other people can over-indulge and live above what’s already comfortable?

Then I felt really sad because I realized the population I serve is not the population I want to serve. I don’t want to work for already successful and affluent families, not because they’re well-off, but because I want to help people who don’t have enough resources. It’s always easier to serve those with resources and good backgrounds because they have the tools to making their environment smoother and easier. Those at the lower end of the spectrum don’t have that luxury.

I wish I could formulate my thoughts in a clear cohesive manner, but to be honest I don’t know what I’m feeling quite yet.

These brain dumps just help me figure things out.

The trip to Philippines was one that was much needed as I try to navigate the next stages of my life, and prioritizing what’s important.

Well, a huuuuge brain dump that may not make sense but oh well.

Till next time!!!

-Kae

January 2020: The New Year’s Rut

New beginnings are usually refreshing. A blank slate. An empty calendar. A world of new possibilities! The motivation to succeed is up, and the to-do list is ready to go!

Well…not so much. I’ve noticed a trend after journaling these past few years, and it’s that I’m in one of my usual rut’s during the first two to three weeks of January. (So basically all month).

I find it to be a stark contrast against the lifestyle community I love to follow on youtube. They make the new year so special, hell it’s a new decade so you know they’re trying their best to monitize on the “Things to do before the new decade” type videos.

For me though every new year is like waking up at 5am after sleeping in till 11am. It’s a groggy, uncomfortable, sluggish start. The burst of motivation and energy don’t come until February. What I also find is that my mood matches up with my period (which I’m bound to get soon, and the temperature which is still chilly and uncomfortable at the moment).

Once it hits February, it’s a bit warmer, my mood is up, and I generally find a boost of energy then .

Right now, I’m just not into the whole “New Year, New Me” motto. I just came back from a short vacation in the Philippines, my body clock is all sorts of wrong, I was wasted tired because I started working right after our plane ride, and I’m just trying to stand on my own two feet.

This past week was a rough start, not necessarily a bad start, but definitely a challenging one just because my body was so tired.

Luckily I think it’s slowly getting back into the time zone so I’ll get my sleep, and my desire to do things will slowly increase.

I need to take things day by day, and figure out how to enjoy each little moment I have in the day.

Alright friends, I’ll talk about my Philippines trip in the next upload! see ya!

-Kae

End of 2019: Restarting and Recharging

I feel like an old phone that hasn’t been charged in the longest time but I’m clinging onto the 1% left for dear life. For some reason, while my 2019 was incredibly eventful, I’m still looking for the “next exciting thing”, which is ridiculous at this point of the year (and at this point of my life).

There needs to be a recharging period! I don’t need to be on the move posting on social media about something 24/7.

Throughout the past weeks I realized the decisions I make on a daily basis are not very purposeful, and my decision making skills still lie within the same sluggish last minute rush that was apparent during my college years.

Well now that I don’t have 800 assignments and responsibilities, my brain and soul is in PANIC MODE. Rather than appreciating this free time and stress free environment, I’m seeking endless stimuli to satisfy my usual panic busy haze induced state I used to have during college. Transition after transition this year has left me without a consistent routine or schedule, and I keep going through each day without being purposeful about how I spend my time.

The end of 2019 is a great time to create a structure and schedule to be a foundation for 2020.

I want to really focus on my health, my schedule (of things to do everyday), hobbies and side hustles. I just want to make sure I don’t spend everyday just rotting on my phone.

So end of 2019 will be a recharging period, where I focus on my health rather than trying to find the next big event to pour my money into. I’m excited to really hone in on restarting and uprooting my entire life (okay not that dramatic), but setting down a routine and goals that I can reach.

The world is my oyster now that I’ve been released from the claws of constant education, stress, and due dates.

I realized that the mental transition through each of these changes takes way longer than the physical transition. Just because I’m back at home physically doesn’t mean I’m mentally back at home. It’s a shift that seems small, but the new rules and routines are something that needs getting used to.

So ultimately, my goal for the end of the year is to create a loose routine, goals, and things that will be the foundation of my 2020!!

So far I’ve outlined basic everyday goals, larger career oriented goals, and fun ones as well.

Let’s see how I do by the end of this month! (which is literally like two weeks).

 

Post-Grad Life: I Feel Like Bleh

I always thought the big “post-grad existential crisis” would be a glaringly obvious event. Perhaps I would be locked up in my room feeling like absolute garbage crying violently while writing away in my journal unable to move from my cocoon of self-hatred and existential dread. Or maybe I would take the opposite route and pierce my nose while getting five tattoos screaming at the top of my lungs to Metallica while running stop signs.

Both of those things never occurred. Admittedly, of course I’ve had my days which feel violently worse than other days, but not to the point where I go “ah, this is it, this is the post grad existential crisis everyone’s been warning me about”.

Rather I find my self in a cycle. Some days I feel okay, I feel fine going about my daily routine. Other days something is off, I don’t know what it is but I feel restless and very unhappy. Then there are the days where I just don’t know what to do with myself. I question the validity of my life, my situation, and if I’m even alive at some points. Not in a dark way, but in a … is this really what I want?

I think being at my part-time for a month was okay for October, but now that I’m entering November I’m back to being restless. Is this what I want? And I know that its time to move forward to try different things again.

Part of the reason why I’ve been feeling like crap is that fact that I have been stagnant again. Once I got my part-time it was like a big sigh of relief. Like “whew” at least I’m not sitting doing nothing at home anymore.

Unfortunately I’ve let go of myself.

I don’t exercise, my room and house is a mess, I don’t do my dishes, I haven’t written down any goals or tried to achieve any, I haven’t reached out to friends, and it’s been this awful cycle of “work-sleep-work-sleep”. I haven’t been very creative and that’s the part that’s wrecking me. Since I’m not in school, I don’t have to do homework or take notes, but I should at least be creating SOMETHING. Playing music, anything SOMETHING. Once I get home from work I become this ball of goo.

I go on my phone watch videos until I knock out.

It’s horrendous.

I guess what’s worse than me barely living in college trying to balance everything, is me barely living out of college doing the bare minimum.

I know this is another huge complaint post, but I needed to write this to start doing something again.

Life is always a cycle, and I keep reminding myself that I had my share of fun the first half of 2019 (studying abroad, living with friends in the summer, going to see sites, eating at different restaurants, hitting up clubs etc), and now I need to work for myself this end half.

It’s not easy, this huge transition from school life to home, but thankfully it’s not as painful as I thought. It’s just a matter of finding enough motivation to do things right now!

End half of October and early November has been numbing, but Christmas is coming and I’m so SO ready to be excited for Christmas!!!!!!

And now with that being said- I got bangs yesterday.

Woops.

 

 

 

Literal Keys to my Future: I Finally have My own Car!

It still hasn’t hit that I have my own car. Probably because I haven’t really driven it to work yet. My dad was generous enough to take on the research and car search for me (which was an overwhelmingly long search), and I’m so grateful for his help and time.

We bought the car two days ago! I drove it home and everything.

It’s a used 2014 prius (which I was a bit hesitant about the color but whatever we can’t have everything be PERFECT if I don’t have the money to be picky). As a first car, it’s definitely great great great quality and I’m so grateful to have it!

There was guilt with the fact that I didn’t help with the car search. I literally did not try. Sure, I googled “used car” and “honda civic” twice, but that’s as far as I got. I couldn’t really tell what was a good deal, a good car, etc. I should have tried harder to be honest- to save my dad some time and energy, but I excused it with my lack of knowledge (I’m just lazy).

I’m really grateful that my dad knows how to search for cars, and is willing to research each car he looks into. My friend on the other hand needs a car as well, but her family has never owned a car and she has to do research, contact buyers, and hunt for a car within her price range all by herself. I don’t know how she’s handling it so far because she works full time (at such a low rate for the work she’s doing it’s unfair).

It made me reflect on how life is really just a random set of circumstances that place us where we are. It has nothing to do with whether or not we’re good people, and how easily we go through life is just by the draw of the cards.

Basically, this tangent is me being so grateful that my parents are so supportive and in a place where they can help me get things like a college education and a car.

Of course, with all that being said, I still have to pay for the car. We got a loan, and I’m paying the monthly payments. Which means, it’s really my car because I have to pay for it! I’m excited for the payments because it means it’s mine!!! Something that it is 100% mine. It’s my first ever large purchase and I’m so excited!

After years of not having my own car, while my friends and peers did, I think I can finally feel a new level of independence! While living in my college town allowed me to live on my own (learn how to cook, manage studying and chores, grocery shopping), I think having a car will really let me explore outside of my comfort zone and boundaries. There were so many things that I couldn’t really do because I had to drive on the freeway (which I still have to conquer), and because I didn’t have a car.

My dad has been so generous and would give me rides everywhere I needed to go if I couldn’t drive there.

Now I can do my share and drive my family places!

Now I can really apply to other jobs, volunteer opportunities, and other things that require a car on my own time. I’m so excited!

I’m going to try to mentally shift my perspective away from the negative, since I have been in a negative rut recently. And start moving forward, little by little!

For example, I’m trying to get into exercising again (lol here she goes again), continue my passion for learning languages (Continue to re-learn Spanish, start learning Italian and Korean- I have releastic expectations I know I can’t be fluent in these languages without constant practice, but knowing phrases and sentence structure would be so fun!). Starting some side hustles, and researching more jobs/ grad school.

Perhaps travel? I don’t know.

I’m so excited guys!

I hope that you guys are experiencing awesome things in your life step by step as well 🙂

-Kae

 

First 2 Weeks at My First Job Fresh-(ish) Out of College

My current job is not my dream job. It’s not even full time. It’s a part-time childcare job. I was so happy to start something after months of idle-ing around, but now my mind is restless, and once again I am paralyzed.

The job itself is not hard to do, but it can be frustrating. I literally just make sure the kids don’t get hurt and they’re all there. There are no academic lessons because it’s literally a childcare program.

I don’t know why but I anticipated that we would be teaching lessons to the children. So I feel a little use-less staring at kids for hours at a time.

While it seems like a simple job, I’m still super clumsy with everything. I still can’t organize the children very well, I miss some details of doing headcounts, I don’t respond on the walkee-talkees sometimes.

So while the basis of the work is easy- take care of the kids, executing it is still difficult for me.

I’ve been doing okay, but I don’t know how happy I am right now. I keep wanting more, but I’m not doing anything to get to another level. I was so happy to get any source of income, that I halted my search for more jobs.

It’s also frustrating that I can’t excel at a simple job. It’s been 2 weeks but I still feel so clumsy at everything.

The lack of direction my life is going in should be a blessing as well. I have so much time for things!! I’m only part-time. I’m frustrated that I spend so much of that time just watching youtube.

I’m 21 years old, nothing is expected of me right now really, I’m not going too wild, and I have so much time and youth!! Now…what do I do with it?? I’m constantly stressed with the idea that I’m wasting time and wasting energy. I need to get these thoughts out of my head and just start DOING again.

I’m really glad I got a part time job, and while this is good in terms of not completely wasting my day, I can’t get too comfortable in this job and I really want to take steps to make sure that I’m out of it in at least a year.

Let me tell you, the first week I was so happy to start, and I was tired but okay with it. The next week, I was in the mindset of, “oh god is this it? I can’t even handle this part-time work right now how will I do full time?”

Then I realized how privileged that sentence was. I’m so glad I am able to do just part-time while others NEED to work over fulltime just to eat and pay bills.

If you guys can’t tell, I’m in a big back and forth in my mind again. I just. Don’t want to waste time. But I can’t stop going on youtube and just watching for hours. I feel like I’m letting life pass by. Living at home is so isolating as well. I miss friends, and I miss being around people my age in general.

My confidence in myself has been decreasing as well. I’ve gained like 10/15 pounds over my study abroad trip and summer, and it’s just bumming me out. My family kept commenting on it, and I’m used to being thin without trying but now I need to exercise (dumb statement again).

Plus just, not moving forward I feel so off.

This feeling of disatisfaction should motivate me and propel me into trying to find ways to spend my time in ways that I want to.

Life is short and I shouldn’t spend it constantly pressuring myself, constantly disastified, and constantly anxious.

Girl, chill, take a deep breath, you’re fine, life is life, and just DO something. Stop overthinking and start doing.

2019 has been so much. Good and bad, I’m excited to reflect on it later.

 

 

My Brother Leaving for College Gave Me a Taste of Why Parents are so Overprotective and Worried All the Time

The excessive questioning, doubts, and worries my parents had whenever I wasn’t home suffocated me. It annoyed me. I couldn’t understand why they had to ask and re-ask the same questions, text me every hour, and just be generally anxious whenever I went out.

Just let me be- I’m fine.

It wasn’t until one night my younger brother was out past midnight that I understood the concern my parents had.

My younger brother was fine, he’s responsible and level headed, and he was just hanging with his friends later than anticipated. I was in bed before midnight, but I just couldn’t sleep.

Where was he? Was he still driving? Did he already leave his friends house? I hope he’s safe. He better be driving safe. Did he go somewhere else? Oh man it’s late I hope he doesn’t hang around shady parking spots. I hope there aren’t any reckless drivers out there. 

My mind shifted into a winding road of questions and unrealistic and frightening scenarios all of which end up with my brother being in danger.

It was insane.

Whenever I’m out past midnight I don’t really care except for the fact that I’m losing sleep. When my brother was out past midnight, I became so alert, and concerned, and very uneasy.

Then I realized “ohhhhhh, so this is what my parents go through every time I’m out. They’ve been feeling this for years multiplied by 3 because there’s three of us kids”.

How awful it must be to be on alert 24/7 wondering if your kids are alright. It’s so hard because it’s not the kids that you don’t trust, it’s other people. My parents always always explained that it’s the danger outside they’re worried about, and not our actions. I never really cared for that explanation until I was worried for my brother.

Now that my brother has left for college, I’m so concerned for his well-being.

I was so excited for him prior to leaving, but once he left the doubts crept in.

Is he going to be okay? He doesn’t feel lonely or out of place does he? I hope he’s comfortable. I hope he doesn’t feel left out by his roommates, or feels pressured or anything. Is he having fun? Is he anxious?

He’s also been replying to me and my mom fairly quick through messenger, which spiked my concern up even higher.

Why is he replying so fast? Is he stuck in his room? He’s not lonely is he? Does he not want to make friends with the kids on his floor? 

He would also only talk about his other high school friends and their situations in their dorms. That scared me a little more.

Why is he not talking about the new things he’s doing on campus? Why?? Is he not exploring or attending events. Why is he not attending welcome week events. Is he scared of campus?

A lot of the fears that I have are fears that I had when I was a first year in college. I was really afraid of isolation, and I had the strongest bout of FOMO for most of the first couple quarters. Everyone seemed to be making friends FAST on the floor, and I felt so left out and isolated for a little bit. I adjusted pretty fast and chatted up with some people during the year, but the feeling of FOMO was so strong, it felt like I needed to meet 800 people to satiate the FOMO I felt.

So I guess I have a mixture of parental concern, but the things I’m concerned with are definitely more superficial (sibling level concern). To explain further, my parents are concerned with what my brother is eating, if he’s safe, if he slept okay, while I’m more concerned for his “college experience aspect”. I’m sure my parents worry about what I worry too, but less prioritized compared to his general health and safety.

I’ll message him some more ask him how he’s doing. I’m scared that I hyped up college a bit too much for him. I just wanted him to feel super excited for this next step.

I could sense some anxiety from him the first day, when it was his move in day. There were parts of me that wish I gave him a serious talk about college. About his concerns, fears, or nerves. That college can be really really hard sometimes, and it’s okay if you feel homesick or out of place for a while, even though you’re an hour away. It’s a different place and it won’t feel very good sometimes.

Oh well, while I’m concerned, all I can do is ask if he’s okay, give him some space so I don’t suffocate him, and have faith he’ll figure his way around everything. I definitely understand how my parents feel about me when I leave the house, and I’ll be more courteous and patient with them (not that I wasn’t but I’ll answer more thoroughly when they have questions).

 

Till next time!

I’ll update on how my little bro does his first week.

 

 

 

 

 

Moving Back Home: Gonna Try and Repair My Relationship with my Younger Brothers

It’s almost been three full weeks since I’ve been home. Life has gone on as normal for my family, and I think I’ve found which corners of the house I’m welcome in, and declared the kitchen table and one corner of the couch as my hangout spots. Fortunately, the kitchen spot is usually open, the couch availability on the other hand can get tricky especially on the weekends.

One thing that I’ve struggled with ever since I’ve gone to college was coming back and trying to connect with my brothers. I know I’ve spoken about trying to connect with my parents, and how that’s taken a toll, but the strain with my brothers has been hurting me a little more.

During college, I usually came back for the holidays. This meant I saw my brothers for a bit, bickered with them for a bit, relaxed, hung out with friends then went back to university.

For the oldest younger brother, he went through His entire high school years while I was away for college. For the youngest brother, he went through two really large transitions while I was away: From elementary school to middle school, and from middle school to high school.

Of course we drifted apart. Going from daily interactions in a stable environment, to being apart for long periods of time as we’re all going through change and transition is bound to result in drifting apart.

One thing that impacted our relationship a lot, was that I bothered and annoyed them on purpose.

I’ll use my youngest brother as an example. When I would first come home during my freshman year, my brother was still in elementary school and he still openly showed his interest in talking and hanging out with me. He wrote me little notes every day, and drew me pictures and everything.

Those memories were so precious to me because it showed how much he cared and loved me. Once he hit middle school, this was during my sophomore year of college, he became more reserved and started changing. He was angrier, defensive, and he would blow up at things. In return, I would repeat phrases over and over “He’s being so moody! He’s being so angsty! He’s so cranky? Is it because he’s a middle schooler now?”. What self-concious middle school kid would want to hear that all the time? I would hate myself too.

I was just SO weirded out by how reserved he was, and how he did a complete 180. It went from him drawing me cute cat pictures to not even really answering my question of “how was your day?”. As a response, I started annoying him on purpose. This way, I had some type of interaction with him. I would make him as angry as possible, trigger him, tease him. Nothing too intense, I am his sister and siblings bicker.

Basically, I did not react to change as well as I should have, and it impacted our relationship negatively. Out of desperation and immaturity, I really lost his respect. Not to an intense point, but to a point where I feel like our relationship has significantly weakened.

Over time he became even more defensive around me. Then I started making jokes “UGH they just don’t like talking to me”, which led them to fulfill this statement and further not willingly talk to me. I did this to the older brother as well, but he and I never really clash too much anyway. He doesn’t talk to me like we’re besties but we do joke around here and there.

I just feel like, if I was more patient and understanding, and left my brothers alone when they needed to be left alone, I wouldn’t be experiencing this sadness where I feel like I’ve completely detached my life from theirs.

Rather than their cool older sister they can hangout and chat with, I feel like a distant aunt that has to live with them for the meantime.

It sucks.

So now, it’s time to change tactics.

I’m gonna leave them alone, and let them come to me if they need anything. This action is not spiteful, it’s a way for them to get the space they need. After all, I am the one ‘intruding’ in some sense, having to re-adjust back into their home after years of having specific functions/schedules that didn’t include me.

The older one is going to college, and we usually chat on messenger. I really hope he’ll talk to me when he needs to, but I feel like our relationship is okay. I’d like to strengthen it but I really don’t know how. I think respecting his boundaries even more is the way to go.

My youngest brother on the other hand, I think I really just need to respect his boundaries, and remember when I try talking to him to not get annoyed easily. He’s really judgemental and a little closed minded right now. Maybe because he’s a sophomore, but it’s so hard to talk to him sometimes.

He has an attitude where he thinks he knows everything and I end up blowing up or being really sarcastic.

It’s a hard balance.

Alright, so moral of the story: Keep my cool, respect boundaries, and just let them live life.

It’s gonna be hard I really love them a lot, but I want to gain their full respect back.

It kind of hurts to admit, but I think my family is not as close as I originally thought. We don’t really hang out anymore. We don’t even eat dinners together anymore. When I left for college, I was so focused on myself that I didn’t realize how much we all drifted apart. Not necessarily because of my absence, but a combination of my brother’s growing up, moving to a new home, and my parents being too tired to keep these relationships strong.

It makes me really sad.

But I’m back, and I’m annoying, and persistent. I’m gonna make them do stuff together again.

 

I’m Back in the K-drama World: Yeo Jin Goo Edition

I have been gone from the k-drama world for years. Literally years. I was more into it during high school and my first year of college, then I just fell out until now. I watched Hotel Del Luna, and I LOVED it. I loved it with all my heart. I thought IU did a great job and I LOVED the plot. It was interesting, different, and I was involved with all the little plots and I didn’t feel bored with any episode.

Now at first, Yeo Jin Goo bugged me. I didn’t like his face, I didn’t like his hair, and I especially was not a fan of his acting. He was just…okay. His face never really changed, like his eyes would stay this kind of bored stare off kind of thing. Idk, he wasn’t very dynamic with his eyes for some reason.

About midway through, he really grew on me! I think they changed his hairstyle a bit to be honest because the first episode hair was just NOT it.

I bawled throughout the end of the drama. I think I bawled like four episodes straight because each episode had something that would make me cry. I fell in love with IU, and I fell in love with Yeo Jin Goo HARD. I loved those two so much. I even started watching clips of IU when she was in Hyori’s Bed and Breakfast because they’re such nice calming cilps I think I might try to watch the whole thing on netflix.

Now regarding the plot of Hotel del Luna, I wish there was a bit more build up with their relationship, but looking back I think their interactions suited them well for how IU’s character is supposed to be.

After the show, I watched all the behind the scenes, interviews, whatever little piece of video I could find. Then I realized Yeo Jin Goo had two other dramas that were released this year! Absolute boyfriend and Crowned Clown.

Absolute Boyfriend had way too many episodes, although it’s the genre I would have rather watched. I just didn’t like the premise that he was a robot, I knew it would freak me out too much and the internal battle inside of me of trying to let go that the main character is a robot would be unbearable, so I settled for Clowned Crown.

And let me tell you, his acting is SUPERB in this one. It’s a historical drama and he takes on two roles, one of an evil king, and a poor “clown” doppelgänger of the king. The clown takes his place as king, and havoc ensues.

HE IS SO GOOD IN THIS ONE. He switches between the evil king and the clown role so easily. The intensity with the evil king going mad, and when the clown cries is so GOOD. His facial emotions and eyes are so vivid in this drama it makes me wonder what the hell happened with Hotel Del Luna. He was so stiff in that one for most of the drama.

Anyway, I didn’t like Yeo Jin Goo for a long time while watching Hotel del Luna, and now I LOVE ThiS GUY. I searched up his interviews, realized that a bunch of older actresses want to act with him (including Park BoYoung who I was OBSESSED WITH).

BoYoung is so CUTE and I love her so much and I would want to see something with them together. To be honest I’m not sure if they would have chemistry because just visually right now I can’t see it but like I would be down just because she’s such a fangirl.

No idea why and how I became obsessed with this guy.

The Crowned Clown drama is getting really boring, but I want to finish it for the sake of finishing it, and to watch more of Yeo Jin Goo tbh. I’m on episode 12 and I feel like stabbing my eyeballs because each episode is an hour and 15/20 minutes. I’ve been watching for days guys, I need to stop.

He’s just so beautiful and my age it’s amazing.

And his voice! And his laugh. I like when he does a genuine smile. And he’s built in a nice lean way. Goddamn. Hmn.

Okay, enough fangirling.

He did really well in Crowned Clown, I highly suggest it even though I did get bored near the middle episodes (ep. 10-11ish. Very heavy on the political sabatoge part which is eh for me).

Alright, that’s all for my k-drama rant.

I hope yall are enjoying whatever hobbies you guys like. Mine is watching k-dramas.

-Kae