How Studying Abroad in Europe Subtly Changed My Style

How many more times can I milk my studying abroad experience? Guys there’s at least ten more posts coming up.

This post is a lot more fun, and I just want to explain how staying in Rome and Madrid changed my style, and interests in style.

Before Europe: My Original Style = College Survival Mode

To start off, I would say my style was/ and still is pretty simple. College was so rough and as long as I walked out the door with clean clothes on, it was a successful “fit”.

I’m a jeans with a brown belt, and tucked in longsleeve kind of person. Basically I dress like a single mom. I also love oversized jackets, so my jean jackets and coats are HUGE. In some ways, my style can lean towards a 90’s style influence, but not in an obvious way. As for shoes, I usually have sneakers or booties, and for hair, it’s down or in a bun.

I also don’t wear accessories because I’m lazy, but before leaving for Europe I began a journey with cute earrings.

After Rome, Italy: Leather Jackets and Hoops

The style in Italy was very heavy on darker colors, and women were always in leather jackets. Let me start off by saying I am NOT a leather jacket kind of person, I am more of an oversized jean jacket kind of person. Leather jackets never tempted me until I saw everyone with a leather jacket.

I never bought one because my budget was TIGHT, but I’m definitely planning on buying one because a night out outfit looks so clean with a leather jacket!

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As for accessories, silver hoops were undeniably the dominant type of earring in Rome. Yes the normal thin hoops, but also these thicker hoops were seen a lot.

Same thing with leather jackets, I was NOT a hoop earring kind of girl. I just didn’t like the look of hoops on me, because I felt like I would look like a tacky 8 year old trying to look 25.

Well guess what, I bought some cheap 1 euro simple silver hoops and wore them almost everyday for the rest of the time I was in Italy. Then in Madrid I pierced my ears and got mini hoops for those piercings.

So did I end up loving hoops…um yeah.

After Madrid, Spain: No Bra + V-neck tank tops/ tops + Platforms

I would say I liked the style in Madrid much more than the style in Rome. The style in Madrid is very casual and summer-y with a tinge of 90’s era style.

They were much more conservative in Rome, with non-ripped jeans and more of a covered up look (they wore skirts only with tights underneath), while the style in Madrid was a bit more like the style in the United States.

One of the odd things that I picked up during my time in Madrid was the fact that some girls decided to forgo their bras and just go bra-less.

Considering I don’t really have any boobs, I joined this choice to go bra-less, and boy was it a little risky at times (um thin white tank…no bra…well whatever).

This bra-less fashion may be related to the fact that most of the tops sold almost require girls to go bra-less. The tank tops and over the shoulder items sold in stores would look really bad with bra straps spilling out, so I get the whole no bra thing.

I really fell in love with these tops as well! I bought a couple v neck tank tops and over the shoulder tops, and while I loved all the long flowy dresses and skirts that decked the windows of Bershka and Primark, my budget said no.

So now I wear cute tanks and ruffly tops that I wouldn’t have worn before honestly.

Last but not least, cute platform shoes!! There were so many cute platforms sandals and platform sneakers and platform platform platforms!!!

Platform high-heel ankle boots

I bought the first platforms because they’re so damn cute and I don’t regret my decision. Never in my life would I have donned platform shoes just because they looked a little ridiculous to me, but now I honestly think they’re so stylish.

After I bought them so many people complimented me on them, even my guy friends stopped me to say my shoes are really “fashionable”.

Overall, I think my style was tweaked a little bit to include more pieces that I was very much against. I don’t think my style magnificently changed, but I do think I’m more open minded and I have more confidence wearing pieces or trends that I think I wouldn’t be able to pull off. I mean one day I was debating on buying neon.

Neon guys.

To be honest, I think it’s just my perspective about fashion that changed, since all these kinds of things are pretty popular in the US as well, I just never had the time or energy to dive into these trends.

I’m super excited about trying more of these trends later on, and mixing and matching accessories and shoes and other things!

 

 

July Goals to Life Goals: Let’s Start Planning Something!

Post-grad feels like summer vacation since I’m unemployed with no plans whatsoever. To be fair, it’s only been 5 days since I’ve graduated, but I don’t want to fall into a spiral of post-grad/post-study abroad depression and succumb into a lazy self-loathing pit of despair.

I’m going to admit, I’m a generally lazy, passive, and bare-minimum kind of person. I graduated college, that’s great, but I feel like I didn’t really initiate any other activities, hobbies, internships outside of that.

I’m only 21 though, so I don’t need my past habits to define me. Perhaps I’m just not giving myself the credit I deserve as well, I mean, I did make it through university that must count for something…maybe.

I’m the type of person where I let ideas flow in and out of my mind, without actually trying to bring any of them into frutation.

Now that I’m out of the educational system for who knows how long (since I do plan on pursuing a masters), there’s an entire world for me to explore!

Yes I do need some money, and I do need to try and form some type of stability so I don’t depend on my parents as a perpetual safety net forever.

There’s a large “to-do” list now that I’ve graduated, but I’m going to try to make the best out of it. Fear and anxiety has ruled my body since middle school, and I’m tired of it.

I’m in my early 20’s, and I’m privileged to have parents who support me through every decision I make, so it’s time I take advantage of that. Sure, I’m unsure, but we’re all always unsure right?

If life had a set roadmap, good god how boring.

This shift in perspective is going to be hard. From going to a “I’m scared, I can’t do anything on my own” mindset, to a “I can do this, we’re going to work hard and create something out of nothing!” mindset. I’m not a “big picture” kind of person, I never was. Hand me a set of small to-do’s and I can somehow blast through it in a mediocre fashion.

The large picture kind of things I hate though, because I mean…what’s the point if nothing is set in stone. There is a happy balance though, I need some type of goal to work towards!

So after all this existential mess of an intro, let’s get into my goals!! We’re gonna start small then move onto life goals okay.

 

-JULY GOALS 2019-

HEALTH: Studying abroad really wrecked my body. The excessive eating out, alcohol, lack of consistent exercise led to a visible weight gain and body pains that I don’t particularly enjoy. It’s time to get fit, but we’re setting the goals pretty -low- because harsher goals tend to discourage me in the long run. NO set weight goal. 

  • HEALTH GOALS
    • Clean-er eating
      • slowly weed out excess carbs and sugar from diet
      • eat more veggies and fruits!
    • Workout
      • exercise at least 10 minutes a day (i’m so sorry doctors)
      • Gym 3x a week
        • Arms, Legs, Abs!!
        • Cardio (20 min).
  • JOB HUNT: I need a job. Period. 
    • Find Part-time summer job (multiple)
    • Resume clean up at the Student Center
    • Linked in clean up
    • START looking into full-time job by Fall
  • FINANCIAL GOALS: I need money. Period. 
    • Start paying off student loans and look into the payment plans with more detail
    • build credit- get a credit card (my parents never let me have a credit card, I must follow their rules because they pay for everything)
    • Emergency savings- at least 1k
    • Car savings- Start thinking of it.
  • GRAD SCHOOL & MISC. FUTURE PLANS: I need a future. LOL. 
    • Thorough grad school research
    • GRE studying
    • Possibly look into Peace Corps.
  • MISC. Some things you just can’t put a label on. 
    • Drive on the freeway (lol small. I’m starting small). 
    • Hit up friends at least once a week to do something (they’re all so far, and so busy ugh).
    • Look into cars.
    • Look into concerts. I’m dead serious. ONE concert. I’ve never been.
    • Look into scholarships. I think I can still apply I mean, its worth a shot
    • Think of several side hustles.

 

LIFE GOALS: 

I always felt a little ridiculous doing life goals kind of thing, because everything I write down sounds so “basic” and “cheesy”, and almost like there’s no point because it’s so overly general, but I’m going to get over my childish insecurities and just write what I want for myself. It’s not bad to write down what you want in the future, because…how else would we know what we’re striving for? I’m always a writing down kind of person anyway, I need it written in order to see what I’m working towards. 

1. A cute little place for myself. 

Look, I just want a one bedroom apartment that I can decorate and call my own. Renting an apartment? Fine. As long as it’s my own! Hell scratch that one bedroom dream, even a small studio apartment that can fit all of my belongings (which isn’t much in the first place) will suffice.

I just want my own place. Where I can exist. And love cooking, and just being.

2. My own car. 

I know others have had this since high school, but I don’t have a car okay. I just want a car. I think this needs to be done by the end of the year at least. 

3. Giving back as much as I can to my parents (House, cars, vacations etc.)

I’m not as worried for the future because I don’t need a lot to be content. There’s a certain push now because I realized that I need to give back to my parents. They’ve slaved away to give me and my siblings such a comfortable life, that I want them to have a comfortable life as well. Sure I can stomach living paycheck to paycheck, but I don’t want that because I want my parents to live in comfort, not struggling to support me even after I turn 23.

4. Supporting my brothers

Both of my brothers are going to college. One is heading to college after this summer, and the other will be applying in 3 years. I want them to have a great time without having to worry if they can eat dinner that night. Since I was able to have a great college experience, I want them to have one as well, without the threat of a financial crisis looming above them impacting their experience and academic life. 

5. A satisfying job. 

As I’ve said, I don’t need glamour. I don’t need a job that will get me to red carpets and high class social events. Nor do I need a job that pays me 100k annually. I just need a job that I can tolerate, or hell enjoy. Being miserable for the rest of my life is something I don’t don’t DON’T want. NO THANKS. 

6. The world! TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVEL + LEARN LEARN LEARN + MEET MEET MEET

Studying abroad gave me a taste of the world, and I loved it. I know it’s unrealistic to travel all the time, but I want to travel as much as I can, and learn about other cultures and people. There’s a lot out there, so many places, traditions, people I don’t know about, and I want to see, learn, and meet as many people as I can while I’m on this earth. 

Why not?

 

 

Oh man guys, post-grad is going to be tough. I can feel it. But I’m going to take it as a fun challenge. As an opportunity to break from the academic routine that was ingrained and instilled in me since kindergarten.

Is it time to explore? Time to cry? Break down? Fail?

Maybe.

But I’m ready. Let’s goo!!!!

 

Best, (I’m wishing everyone the best! Life goes on, and we’re all here for the long run)

-Kae

Studying Abroad in Rome: It was Rough, Tough, and Beautiful

To be completely honest, a lot of people in my program didn’t really like Rome. Some people thought Rome was a bit ugly, and most of us came into the program without doing any thorough research about the city.

We thought Rome would be like a small cute Italian town, with adorable Italian cobblestone streets and quaint little beautiful buildings. Perhaps a few chipper Italians would jovially shout “ciao!” as we went along our merry way to our class where other Italian youth would become our best friends.

Um.

No.

Rome is a city.

A HUGE city. It’s the goddamn capital of Italy.

So it’s got graffiti, creepy weirdo’s, and the largest tourist population we’ve ever had to deal with (yes even though most of us are from LA, Rome is something ELSE).

 

 

The gentle ciao’s we expected were instead heated glares on a crowded tram.

The merry walk to our class became a mad dash and an elbow war to fight way through tourists.

A sea of angry Italian words whipped our ears when we made a mistake on the tram or in the coffee bars. Italian transport officers interrogated our friends after a ticket mixup. A creepy man tried to look up my friends skirt.

Also, English wasn’t as popular as we expected even for a tourist destination, nor is Italian very close to Spanish.

And to make things worse, the clubs and bars in Rome were….a little lame.

So…yeah, it was definitely different from what we expected.

Even through all of that- Rome still holds a special place in my heart.

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St. Peter’s Basilica on the right, and the Tiber river on the left!

I was silently in love with the architecture, the history, and even the dumb cobblestones that made me stumble a couple of times.

 

I was in love with the little coffee bars, the rows and rows of gelato shops, and the cute old Italian folks that would smile my way.

Some days consisted of me sneaking away from my apartment to do solo exploring, and it was especially fun to do when it sprinkled because the image of Italy after a rain-shower was breathtaking.

I don’t think I’ve ever gasped as much as I did in Rome. That first turn into where the Pantheon was- I was starstruck. It was HUGE! When I entered Vatican city, and saw the pope for the first time- I felt like I was transcending!

Accidentally entering cute bookshops to waste time before class- precious.

The Trevi fountain at night- is this a romantic comedy anyone? Rome at night in general was lovely. The gentle cast of light from the lamposts on quiet streets while giggling with friends is a totally different vibe from the hustle and bustle of the streets during the day.

Gelato snacking while gossiping about what’s happening around us- a bit morally questionable but very delicious.

AND- I almost cried when I saw the ancient ruins. I couldn’t believe I was there to see the ANCIENT RUINS! It was an experience that made me realize I was miles and miles away from home, witnessing a sight that I’ve only been able to learn about through textbooks but now I’m here to see in real life.

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While everyone was still jarred by the large bustling city that is Rome, I slowly became entranced by all the little quirks Rome had to offer.

 

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Plus, I liked learning a handful of Italian words, language is so fun for me and I thought learning Italian was so interesting. Italian flows differently off the tongue, and I won’t lie, I felt like an intellectual everytime I nervously uttered “Vorrei un cappucino per favore”.

Unfortunately, other students who have never taken Spanish or Italian had a pretty rough time in our language class, and I couldn’t imagine how frustrating it was since our Italian professor spoke pure Italian (even though it was a beginner class).

Just like my classmates though, I didn’t think Rome was this big magical place 24/7. Initially I had a difficult time adjusting to Rome and studying abroad in general.

This came as a surprise, since I didn’t think I would be homesick or have any trouble adjusting at all. Since I live 7 hours away from home, I felt like I was well versed with adjusting to unfamiliar places.

Oddly enough, for the first couple weeks I just felt so out of place. Not necessarily with the city, but within my program as well. It felt like I just wasn’t clicking with people as well as I thought I was going to be able to, my roommates were not as excited to explore every inch of the city which I felt like held me back the first few weeks, and I just felt so isolated from the rest of the people in my program.

I messaged a youtuber asking for advice on how to deal with feeling left out. Desperation was pretty high during some of the days in Rome.

FOMO- this was an actual disease that manifested inside me (but surprisingly I found out later FOMO was a problem with most of my other friends in the program as well).

It felt like everyone was forming friendships and bonds fast, group chats were created, plans were already being written, and I just felt so…not included.

It wasn’t until halfway through Rome, and really towards the end where I started feeling comfortable with the people in my program. It wasn’t as if I was always in a corner moping, but I definitely had my guard up with the people that I did talk to. My roommates and I were pretty close, but I was wary and intimidated by everyone else.

Something interesting that I also didn’t think would happen- I didn’t like italian food very much. Breakfast was just a pastry and coffee (that’s just a snack come on guys), and the heavy carb diet of pasta and pizza got tiring.

Plus, I wasn’t that impressed with their pasta and pizza while I was there. Now that I’m back in the US, I realize how much I like pasta al dente, and the sauces were pretty good even for fast food pasta places.

I think Rome was an overall enigma of not appreciating everything while we were there, and then realizing it wasn’t too bad once we left.

As the first study abroad location out of two cities (Rome and Madrid), Rome was a bundle of mixed feelings, but a place with great memories.

I won’t deny that it was a rough start, but there were with wonderful moments and  beautiful site visits. There’s just something mystical about Rome’s quiet streets away from the overly populated tourist areas.

If my group explored more than just the tourist sites and other big italian cities, I think they would’ve liked Rome a lot more.

So while the next city Madrid is where my friendships and bonds really solidified, Rome took its place in my heart as “the” study abroad location in terms of environment, sites, and history. If it makes any sense, Rome was pretty “european” in my book. It made me feel like I was really out of the country on a wild adventure away from home.

 

 

Ciao Roma! You were beautiful and I can’t wait to visit Italy again!

 

 

 

 

 

Last Week of Undergrad: Should I Just Do Whatever the Hell I Want?

As my last week of my undergrad career, I will try to break my vow of silence, passivity, and detachment I’ve grown so comfortable in. “Wow, just your last week of undergrad?! Not your ENTIRE undergrad????!”

First of all, whatever.

Second of all, why not?

Attending a large university has led me to become dependent on my phone to fill up time before lecture, avoid general interactions with other human beings due to the attitude of “I’m just here for class”, and generally being detached with the whole learning experience.

Woops. Is it my fault? Absolutely, no one said I had to follow the majority attitude.

Should I have broken this cycle earlier? Definitely. Can I go back? NO.

So why the fuck not just do what I want right now?

ALSO, there’s a cute guy in my class, am I going to tell him he’s cute and I think he’s fairly intelligent?

Why the fuck not I’m leaving in a week and a half and compliments need to be handed out more often.

Am I going to compliment strangers on their outfits? Yes why the fuck not.

Am I going to strike up conversation with some random person because why the fuck not? Why the fuck not?

Should I approach my prof and tell her how much I’ve enjoyed all the material she’s given us?

YES WHY THE FUCK NOOOOT.

I REALLY HOPE THIS BLASE ATTITUDE WILL ACTUALIZE IN REAL LIFE BECAUSE A BITCH IS TIRED OF PAINFULLY BEING PASSIVE.

I dont know what it is, but I am exhausted of the shield and walls I have put up omfg. I even put it up with my friends like what the hell why?!?!?!?

 

 

OKAY BADDIES I HOPE THIS awfully composed and out of character post encourages a few of you to do something you usually wouldn’t do.

Study Abroad Update: So I’m going to Italy and Spain in less than a Month…UM?!

This development is ridiculous and it feels like I’m not actually studying abroad. It feels like it’s more of a phrase that I have to say every once in a while, but never something tangible.

The surge of courage, determination, and stubbornness I felt last February to study abroad felt only like a couple months ago….and now it’s 2019 February?

What is this sweet hell?

As I’ve said before, I’m a sappy sentimental sad mess when it comes to change, and having to go through different stages of life.

I really expected myself to feel overwhelming excitement as the study abroad date approaches closer and closer.

Once my application went through, I was ecstatic.

Once I received more information, I was flying.

Oddly enough, as I only have two more weeks before departure, rather than picturing my study abroad experience as a a thrilling and exciting journey, in reality I’m scared, sad, anxious, and really really confused about this study abroad decision.

During this last quarter, studying abroad has morphed from a symbol of courage, adventure, and spontaneity, into a symbol of “the end” of my college years, a separation from my college friends, and overall a certain finality to the finite time I had as an undergraduate student.

(To be fair, it’s quite an ending.)

My feelings for study abroad are now muddled with the lack of control and direction I have for my future. I feel like rather than facing on the unknown terrain of responsibilities as a new college graduate, I’ve found a way to escape these responsibilities and somehow set myself back.

The last quarter as I’ve been saying every single quarter that I’ve failed to use to my advantage, should be a time to approach professors, think about graduate programs, and studying for the GRE. There’s a lot I refuse to look into, and now that studying abroad is a reality, it almost seems like I just put another distraction in the way of my need to make executive decisions about graduate life.

Aside from the feelings of post-graduate nerves, there’s an immense sadness knowing that I have to leave all of my friends. Considering that this is our “senior” year.

We’re already busy now, but at least we’re busy together.

I love my friends a lot. I really do. And I’m going to miss them greatly, especially when the weather is so sunny, when the vibes are so good. I’ll miss the way we all try to talk over each other and laugh when we’re together. And most of all when we just simply co-exist in silence.

The worst part is after I leave for study abroad, we head straight into graduation.

No longer will we be together in the way we have been the past few years. My friends (also my housemates), are going in different directions.

One of them is heading to Europe to do summer study abroad, the other is heading back home to start a tutoring job. My roommate is heading back home as well, while my other housemate is staying in our college town to study for the GRE.

All of us are dividing after two years of seeing each other every single day.

Change is scary, change is uncomfortable, but in my mind I try to chant that we’re ready to move to bigger and better things. This university has burned us out, and I know it’s time to leave.

Unfortunately this means having to leave my supportive circle. It’s going to hurt, but life is filled with people coming and going. New friends will be made, new circles, new support systems that will adapt to our new life styles.

Oh my god this sucks.

Everyone’s so excited for my new venture, so I should try not to be so negative about it.

I’m going to ITALY and SPAIN?!

What??? It still hasn’t sunk into my brain?

EUROPE? a place I’ve obsessed over during my middle school and high school years, and somehow I have done enough planning to go on this trip? That’s ridiculous.

So while I am going on this venture, I just wanted to note my feelings on this study abroad trip. I’m viewing it as a sad goodbye rather than a beautiful hello to two new countries I’ve never been to before.

I know I can change my perspective, but it’s just so difficult.

I’m thankful and grateful for this opportunity I have, and I’m also grateful and thankful for those who I’m saying a -temporary- goodbye to.

Although my goodbye to my college is permanent (it’s time).

Wish me luck guys.

I’m gonna need it.

 

-Kae

 

 

 

 

I Caved, Downloaded 2 Dating Apps, became Sucked into an Obsessive Swiping Streak, and I’m Already Heartbroken

This 4-day weekend swiping bonanza was ridiculous. A little backstory: My housemates are all single women who have never been in a relationship (me too fam), and we’re all 21. Although my first housemate downloaded it to mess around with men (she loves trolling), one by one, the rest of us hopped onto the dating app bandwagon. When I created my profiles this weekend, I felt like I was settling, giving up, surrendering into a pathetic downward desperation for a partner.

Then I also realized…they’re just apps lol.

While the stigma towards dating apps in college have definitely diminished (if I said I was on a dating app a couple years ago I would have felt super pathetic and creepy lmao, now it’s just…whatever so many people are on tinder it doesn’t matter), I still felt ridiculously hesitant. Once again, it’s not exactly what my mother would encourage me to do.

Talk to strangers online? Strangers who are men? Men who are specifically looking for either sexual encounters or a relationship? And then MEET with men who are strangers? Who will know you’re identity and may be able to physically harm you? 

UM, yes that’s a lot but I mean, you have to be hyper aware of your surroundings right? A rapist/murderer combo might be out there and YOU NEVER KNOW.

Then once my common sense paranoia, my self conscious “you-are-definitely-only-21” mentality kicked in.

Um, omfg what if someone I know sees my profile and thinks I’m desperate or a hoe?? It’s gonna be so embarrassing to match with someone and see them in real life by accident. Omfg what if someone in class sees me online?? awkward??

Once I finally overcame these thoughts, I set up my profile and I went into this obsessive swiping addiction. At first, I was incredibly hesitant, reading every detail of someone’s profile, really thinking about them as a person and taking everything into consideration.

Now I think I can go 50 miles per hour and if they’re wearing a hat weird or are under 5’7″ I just swipe left. Cute dog, swipe right. Ugh 20? He looks like a young twenty swipe left. Hmn, 20? I like his curly hair though…swipe right.

I became something I told myself not to become if I ever decide to choose the app- someone who judges others based on purely just looks.

Thoughts such as “Oh man what would my friends think if I go out with this guy?” popped into my mind, and in some cases, I swiped with the thought of others  in mind rather than my personal interests.

Even if I served my personal interests, I found that they morphed into superficial categories and requirements anyway. For instance, I don’t really care about height since I’m only 5’1.

For some reason I feel odd when the guy states he’s about 5’6, which is still 5 entire inches taller than I am? Obviously we can be more open minded and chant “height doesn’t matter! height doesn’t matter!”, and in real life I don’t care since I’m so small.

BUT THESE APPS MORPH YOUR MIND.

One picture that looks a little off? I’ll reject this person. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway, we get it. It’s very superficial. You may start off with the intention of not being superficial, but with the way dating apps are set up, there’s no way around it, you will succumb to the superficial judging if you’re on that app long enough.

Now messaging people is always interesting. I am an absolute child. The way I type in my blogs is definitely not how I type when I’m conversing with someone.

Me messaging my friends:

I LIKE TO USE ALL CAPS (something obvious, but I also like to use parenthesis even in texting which can be weird at times).

uM, mixED capS????? a looooooot of question marks????? stretched out word!!!!!! and exclamation marks!!!

also really long messages if i truly want to discuss something which may be a hassle considering our attention spans are so small when it comes to trivial things such as dating apps.

In short, I can come off as incredibly childish, probably annoying, and I don’t really take anything seriously. I don’t think I’ve ever discussed my future plans with someone on the app, that’s threatening territory. Have I joked around about dogs? Most definitely. Once again the superficial permeates throughout the entire experience, not necessarily just through the swiping and choosing of people, but also the conversations.

I realize this can be on my part as well. Once others ask why I’m on the app, or what I do, I tend to brush it off and continue on with my ridiculous antics. As someone who may possibly want a relationship or to actually go out on a date- this ain’t it.

A few have asked if I would like to meet, to which I promptly close their message and refuse to open it again unless I feel comfortable initiating a meet up (which hasn’t happened really). Unfortunately I’m basing my safety once again, on superficial markers, like how does this person look, how is their typing style etc.

So with my limited tools, I don’t really have a choice but to do what I got to do.

My conversations are painfully similar and baseline:

*comment on a picture or phrase they have*

*guy either says something witty or short*

*says something witty back*

End scene. 

Perhaps it’s my mindset of not actually wanting to go out on a date. To be honest though, I was ready to break all my common sense rules and go out with someone on Hinge.

Here comes the Heartbreak part of my blog post: brace yourselves it’s absolutely tragic

They were fairly average (in terms of conversation too okay), I wasn’t really interested in talking to them until they brought up the fact that we could go roller skating and eat ice cream after.

My 15 year old self was in a dream state. Forget whoever the guy was, all I wanted was a cute date experience my teenage self dreamed of.

Did I scold my housemates for getting into a random man’s car on the first date? Yes. Was I ready to do the same exact goddamn thing even at 10pm at night? YES.

My mind was racing, I was wondering how I could get this man to finalize these plans.

After a couple messages of back and forths, I realized what was going on.

There was no car.

I had no car, and he had no car. We lived fairly far from each other.

What the hell.

I daydreamed about these plans. I nightdreamed about these plans. I became the plans. I became a pair of roller skates after two days of thinking about it.

In the end there was nothing but disappointment and the crushing reality that my ideal date was a mirage, something the dissipated the quicker I ran towards it.

My mouth shut, my lips pursed, and my heart sank.

He then had the audacity to say I should take a bus there. that would take like two hours. I almost choked.

Perhaps I’ll use these plans with someone else, but the novelty was the fact that he thought of it himself. Actually, he probably reused these plans as well, they’re not that original (I’ve just never gone out on a date and I’m easily impressed).

But that was my journey so far. On the bright side I found someone who was very invested in fashion, and we had a wonderful conversation discussing different fashion trends and thrifting! I almost forgot- friendships exist online too!!

So if you’re curious about these dating apps college students seem to use quite often, I would say go for it why not.

I wouldn’t say it’s something I’m going to keep for very long, but it’s really fun to chat with random people, and maybe even make possible friendships (oh and date. lol maybe one of you will date for me)

 

Have you guys ever used dating apps? Any success? Horror stories? Stories of victory and triumph?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Makeup Madness 2019: My Everyday Look

I didn’t realize how long it’s been since a makeup madness post! My first post was in 2016 I think, and while my stash of makeup hasn’t really changed since then, I’ve managed to create a super fast and easy makeup routine that takes like 5 minutes. It’s a routine I’m comfortable with, and it even got me a compliment! (I remember you sweet girl from my NPB class!)

There’s definitely room to add more makeup, but at the moment with my skill level, I’m super comfortable with this routine.

Steps:

  1. Moisturize and Chapstick 

I feel like my face is revived from the dead after this step honestly.

2. Eyebrows- Elf Instant Lift Brow Pencil

Super cheap (2$), but effective on my eyebrows. I don’t really need a fancy eyebrow routine since I was blessed with a good amount of hair on my eyebrows as well as an easy natural shape. I just fill in the ends, and this elf pencil does the job without smearing all over the place like the Daiso pencil I originally used.

3. Eyelash Curler- Daiso Curler & Mascara- Maybelline (The Falsies)

I’m not too big on mascara since I touch my eyes all the time and I usually wear glasses anyway. During the last few weeks I’ve been liking how mascara looks so I’ll definitely use it more. The Maybelline falsies have been with me forever and I’m not picky so I like it. My friend is in love with a specific nyx mascara though!

As for the eyelash curler, once again it works, and I realized I should probably buy antoher one. The rubber thing on the curler is OLD and I need replacements but Daiso only offers more curlers rather than refills of the rubber…Um, time to upgrade from Daiso?

4. Blush- Elf blush palette (light)

I pile on the blush. Drunk blush is the only way I apply my blush to give myself a natural looking flush (actually to a point where I look feverish), but I LOVE blush. I dont care, I apply it to the apples of my cheeks and I’ve even started spreading it upwards toward my temples because I’m crazy.

I like using the orange shade on the elf blush palette, or the one right below it. If the palette is at home and my blush has run low, I take a dab or two from my lipsticks and dab it onto my face!

5. Highlight- Colourpop Wisp

I’m cute! I love highlight too! I apply on my nosebridge and the tip of my nose, as well as my cheekbones! I love it!

6. Lipstick- Maybelline Color Sensational Lipsticks, Nyx glosses, Elf glosses

I can change my lipstick colors within the hour honestly. I have pretty natural lipsticks and I’ll gently swipe some on my lips just for some color, not necessarily an obvious line is made. I make it seem more like tints unless I’m feeling fierce that day.

 

So it’s a pretty simple routine, and I definitely add more when I go out at night/ feeling experimental, but I’m glad I finally got a routine down! Only took two years to make a 5 minute routine but hey! I love it 🙂

 

What’s your routine? I’m genuinely curious! I’d love to try out different things!

-kae

 

My Last Quarter in College: It’s Time to Stop Whining and Grow Up (& Grow a Pair)

I’ll admit, the entire “ahhh!! I don’t know what I’m doing!! I don’t know how to ‘adult’!!” was a pretty fun bit I had going for my entire college career. Every college kid related to this, and it was a universal joke.

It was cute, until it wasn’t cute. Humor is my coping mechanism, and it’s no longer funny. As a fourth year,  it’s time to properly research and really think about my future. Nothing is ever set in stone, and these plans may never even materialize, but it’s important to have goals and plans on how to achieve these goals.

Is it terrible I’m just starting now? Probably. It’s okay, it’s better that I do it now than panic a couple months after graduation (something I would definitely do because I’m lazy).

I love college, and I love academics, and I LOVE focusing on all the little things like taking notes for class, scheduling tests etc. Unfortunately this gives me little to no advantage in the real world. (What?? I can’t be a studious student my whole life??)

So this blogpost is a wake up call to me. GET UP and DO SOMETHING!

I have my last quarter classes, study abroad finances and planning, as well as apartment subleasing, loan payment, job applications, and masters graduate studies to tackle.

I think this quarter will give me a lot of time for planning, just like last quarter (except last quarter I focused on socializing- a treat I gave myself after being very academic based my second year).

So here’s my Winter Quarter/ Last Quarter of College goals:

  1. Organize all Study Abroad details (I’m confirmed to study abroad in Italy and Spain for 10 weeks- 5 weeks in each country)
  2. All A’s in all classes
  3. Look at jobs for after graduation
  4. Look at masters programs for speech language pathology, psyD, and other programs possibly interested in
  5. Find any type of job (receptionist) while waiting!! Please!!

Wish me luck guys! I’m so confused with life right now, but I’m taking 2019 as the year of action.

Hope you guys find the energy to push forward with your lives and take the steps needed to get to someplace you want to be!

-Kae

 

An Anonymous Letter of Thanks to: My Mother

If one of my close friends or family members would describe me, it would probably be around the lines of: “always trying to be funny and warm while being emotionally detached”. The sound of laughter, and allowing others to feel included is something that I’ve made into a life mission.

Weirdly enough, I always meander away in my own thoughts praising everyone and being so incredibly proud of them, but I never really vocalize any of those things straight to their faces. There are hopes in me that I show my appreciation and love through action, but there’s a different sort of validation when you hear it directly through words. It’s a confident statement of love and appreciation, something that’s hard to doubt and question.

Thanks to a series of epiphanies, I’m going to make it my mission to become more transparent with those around me, and to voice my compliments, praise, and warm encouragement rather than simply thinking them during a long bus ride.

So to kick start this gigantic goal (it’s really difficult to look a friend in the eye and pour my heart out to them without making a joke), I thought it would be fun to create thank you notes to everyone I want to thank- and anonymously online.

 

Baby steps.

 

 

Letter 1: Mother

Dear Ma,

There was one thing I’ll never forget, that I’m still ashamed about. I think it was during my first year of college, probably during my first winter break back at home. You handed me something so I said “thank you” in a very nonchalant manner, ready to move on to the next task not really thinking about what I said.

You paused for a moment, and hesitated but managed to say what you wanted out loud. You said, “you know, you’ve started saying thank you a lot”. And I furrowed my brows unsure as to whether this was a compliment or a complaint about my past self. So I asked “what do you mean?” in a tone that implied that I DID say thank you before. You ignored my futile attempt at arguing my way out of this, and said that I never really said “thank you” in the past. That made me feel really…spoiled. And unappreciative, and shameful.

Weirdly enough, I think being away and being at the school that I’m at taught me to say thank you more, and I just wanted to say thank you for being very patient with me. While I’ve always bragged about being an easy daughter to raise (I’ve never done drugs, snuck out, slammed doors, or received terrible grades like stereotypical rebellious teenagers in movies), I know that there were times where being around me was absolute hell.

My mood swings and awkward bursts of anger and frustrations balled up in middle school and continued to subside and explode throughout high school. My anger was due to my insecurities, but I blamed my inability to control these things at you, and indirectly punished you as an outlet to release these feelings.

There were times where I refused to talk to you for an entire summer in order to hurt you as much as possible. You explained it was my pride, and I needed to stop or else I’ll end up hurting others, and ultimately myself. This was the lowest low I’ve gone and I don’t like telling people this because I always ramble on about how much I love my mother.

You’ve gone through a lot, moving to this country. You lost a majority of your independence, left most of your family, your routine, and stability. It was hard going from such a stable place in the Philippines to an alienating world in California. I became a close friend to you for years because of this isolation, a benefit and at times a curse on both of us.

This country has torn down your self-confidence, your ability to love your appearance, your intelligence, and I’m so happy you’re regaining your self-love after all these years of society and at times our family tearing you down.

Your strength to mentally, physically, and spiritually support not just yourself, but an entire family of five (as well as your parents and your brother), is incredible. I always thought papa had the harder share out of the both of you having to work for more than 12 hours a day, but a mother’s job never ends. You’re “on-call” every single second, your children are at the front of your brain with every decision you make, and it really shows.

I love and appreciate all the heartbreakingly difficult sacrifices you’ve chosen to do just to take care of your family with as much energy and love you can muster.

You’ve taken my eye rolls, my hurtful comments, my laziness, and stuborness without hurting me back. I would repeat my disdain at the fact that I couldn’t do extra-curriculars like my friends. Why couldn’t I take dance lessons? Why couldn’t I do art? Why do we have to live with random people? Why do I have to share a room with my whole family when my friend has her own room? Why don’t you ever let me hang out with friends alone?

You turn all of my bullets into lessons rather than fuel for reasons to hurt me back with.

I know I’m not perfect, and you’re not perfect, but our relationship has grown strongly and positively thanks to your heart and efforts.

I love love love love and appreciate every second you are here existing with me. I love you ma and thank you so much.

I love you,

Kae

2018: A Year of Comfort and Confidence

If 2017 was the year of trying out different things and leaving my comfort zone, 2018 was definitely the year of staying in a newly found comfort zone but growing my self-confidence. It’s really difficult to try and quantify personal growth within a specific time period. Who was I in January? I can barely remember what I had for dinner last night. The best way I like to go about it (since I’ve somehow left writing in the dust for the past 9 months), is to look at the saved pictures in my camera roll and snapchat. Time for a 2018 reflection!

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