30 Day Self-Love Selfie Challenge: One way to love yourself is to do very shallow vain things

A couple years ago, at the very start of 2020, I made a very desperate plea to create some sort of self love movement that could finally work for me. After what seemed like months of attempting to work on my internal self, I’ve had enough and snapped. I’ve had enough of “internal work”.

It was time to work on my outside self in the most shallow and vain way possible: by improving my looks.

I wanted to make myself look so conventionally attractive to a point where maybe this will infiltrate my brain and heart- finally helping me achieve the level of self love I deserve.

Well, that plan failed because I couldn’t even stick to that plan. The motive behind it was semi-genuine, I just wanted to love myself for god’s sake, but the way I approached it was not my style.

So I’m bringing this concept of working on self love by going from the outside in, and from the inside in. This time I’m attacking all sides. I’m going to work on my internal and external self at the same time.

What a concept.

For some reason I had this idea that working on my outside self is considered shallow and vain, and doing that would detract from what’s really important.

I don’t know, I consume a lot of societal noise okay.

This is a very long winded explanation of me saying that I’m trying another 30 day challenge.

I’m creating a self-love selfie challenge for myself!

For the next 30 days, in an attempt to kick-start a more potent self-love journey, I’m going to take a selfie of myself smiling and cute, along with some self love statements as captions to really hone in the message that I am beautiful, I am pretty, I am kind, and I am worthy!

This seems very ineffective and shallow again. What are 30 selfies going to do that years of “internal work” can’t do? Beats me.

I know it can’t hurt.

I’m laying some ground rules though.

30 day “self-love” selfie challenge:

1. It has to be 30 consecutive days. I can’t miss a day.

The reason for this is because once I start missing days, I will forget. Then the whole point of this experiment is ruined. So this is more of a technical thing rather than anything spiritual or psychological.

2. I will have to take 2 selfies per day.

The first selfie: One is of me feeling my absolute best- makeup on if I want, I feel put together, great lighting, awesome angle. No forced silly faces.

The second selfie: Is a casual picture of me without makeup, but still at a great angle with a genuine smile! No forced silly faces.

Okay the reason for this is definitely more psychological. You see I always take selfies. But they’re the absolute most crap selfies on planet earth, and I do this on purpose. I protect myself by thinking “oh it’s because I’m so comfortable with my silly self! Bad selfies don’t even phase me!”.

The real reason I take selfies is because it lowers my expectation, and the expectation of those around me. If I know I look bad on purpose, the opinion of anyone else can’t affect me. You can’t loose if you’re already at rock bottom right?

So to challenge myself, I will have to take the best selfies I can possibly muster. It’s really funny because I have a terribly hard time taking “serious selfies”. You can tell how uncomfortable I am at trying to give a photogenic smile. Damn girl, I got a long way to self love to go.

Now the reason why I want two selfies, is for me to add a selfie of myself with all my blemishes. My acne, dark eyes, glasses, I need to encapsulate all these “flaws” while maintaining a serious selfie smile. No goofy raised eyebrows, no low angles to exaggerate my double chin, and no awkwardly close close ups. Just a real genuine smile.

Both of these selfie concepts make me really uncomfortable. It’s a part of being insecure. But I believe that a month of taking selfies will kick start something really nice within me. It will help me be more comfortable with how I look, with and without makeup. It will help me be more familiar with my face, who I am as a person. I spend so much time inside my head it’ll be nice to look at my head for a change.

3. Write a really nice caption to go along with each selfie.

This just drives the point home. It connects the whole “external” self with my “internal” self. Sure I can look really fabulous with my eyeliner, but there’s something really satisfying about a caption that emphasizes how kind I am alongside that image. Here is me, a beautiful young woman who is both cute, and very patient and kind.

And I’m doing this on Snapchat which allows me to keep this private, but easily add a caption when needed.

So yes, those are my three conditions. I’m really excited to start this out. I’ve started this selfie taking journey already, but it was missing a little something. So I created these rules and I’ll update on how I feel after 30 days. Maybe there will be changes, maybe there won’t. Either way, I think it’s a nice little challenge on growing self-love.

If you’re on a self love journey, maybe you can share what you’re trying to do as well. I’d love to hear about it or try it out! Ah, much love and light-

-hikae

Feeling Lonely: Hey, it’s a normal feeling so let’s be patient with ourselves

Does anyone else feel weirdly lonely right now? As a self-proclaimed introverted homebody, staying at home is such a safe space for me. Unfortunately, when I stay at home that usually means I’m not in contact with friends. Home means I’m by myself, and outside means socializing.

Which means I’ve been in this constant state of feeling lonely because I haven’t reached out to any friends unless they reach out first. And it seems that after 2 long years of being the ones to put in effort, my lovely friends handed the friendship baton to me- and I’ve failed.

One of my new years goals is to reach out to friends more, to tie myself into their lives more consistently, and to create little meetups that will fill our energies up.

I just miss them a lot. I’ll reach out to them today.

Hopefully I’ll learn how to reach out to them more throughout the year. Not having my friends as a constant support system is really difficult.

Even if I’m not in the best mood, I think that’s the best time to reach out, even if it’s for a 20 minute talk.

I’m reading Michelle Obama’s book “Becoming”. She highlights the importance of community, relationships, and connections to others. She describes how much she’s learned from strong women around her, and how they’ve all contributed to her life and growth.

My usual reaction would be to feel a lot of regret for not only physically isolating myself, but completely isolating myself from the world recently.

“Ugh, Why couldn’t I be like Michelle Obama?“

Then I would mentally beat myself up, wonder why I isolated myself, why I wasted time, and why I wasn’t my best self, I’m always like this etc.

Well, why don’t I think about that statement differently?

Hey, why can’t I be like Michelle Obama?

I love that she emphasizes community and relationships, let’s try leading with that this year. Let me reach out to others I haven’t reached out to. Let me have conversations with friends, learn from them, let them guide me, and when the time comes I can do the same for them.

Negative self talk is the easiest route to go in times where you feel uncomfortable and sad.

BUT, in the spirit of growth and trying to be better, I’m being patient and easy on myself.

Hey, there was a pandemic, and for some reason physical isolation is usually associated with alone time for me socially. Sure it took me a long time to realize that I need to put in a lot of effort with friendships, but at least I’m realizing it!

That’s always good.

So now we can change our behaviors and attitudes. I can start reaching out to friends more consistently, be forgiving and understanding when they’re not in the right headspace to converse or reach out to me, and water my friendships like a small plant.

If you’ve been feeling lonely, you’re not alone. It’s not the best feeling, but we can always do something about it. We don’t need an army of friends, but one really good friendship can be enough.

Even if you feel like you have no friends to turn to, the internet is a magical place. We can join chats, forums, other communities. We just need to find it in ourselves to reach out, put ourselves out there- even if it feels uncomfortable and foreign.

I’m challenging myself to be okay with rejection and failure. A large part of why I hate reaching out is when I can feel my friends don’t want to talk to me in the moment. Then I think, Ugh this is why I don’t reach out. I do this with making new friendships as well.

But hey!! I have those moments so much where I don’t want to talk to friends. Since they’re patient with me, I should be patient and understanding with them. Rejection is okay, people need their space, and as long as we feel they’re still good friends, all is well.

So let’s see what happens, and I’m really manifesting that I reach out to friends more. I hope you’re doing okay if you’re feeling lonely too. Let’s take it day by day, hour by hour, we can do this together!

-best,

hikae

Starting a Gratitude Journal for 30 Days- Is it Forced Positivity or a Genuine Perception Changer?

Gratitude journals have always felt a bit…useless and ineffective to me. Compared to journals where you can empty all your thoughts, gratitude journals seemed so shallow and decorative.

“List things that you’re grateful for <3”

Everything about the concept of a gratitude journal got me to raise my eyebrow, and suppress an eye roll. What’s writing “I love my family” going to do about my general low moods and overwhelming life goals?

I’ve heard people say that it’s really changed their everyday lives and how they think, but I just couldn’t buy into it.

Well, just like everything else that I immediately scoff at, maybe I’m just looking at gratitude journals wrong. It’s not something that will magically change my life, it’s not something that should fix anything, and it’s more-so a little supplement to the day. A little mood boost, and a slow perception changer.

Besides, if gratitude journals are so ineffective, then there definitely is nothing negative with trying it out right?

So to try something new from my usual negative journaling rants that are supposed to be cathartic, I’m choosing to take a more positive spin on journaling. Whenever I felt nervous, anxious, negative- I would immediately write those feelings down. Now I’m challenging myself to sit with those feelings. Sit and stew, wonder why I’m feeling those feelings, and take a deep breath. This is not bottling up my feelings- but learning how to handle and work through them.

Somehow journaling all of my immediate negative feelings caused me to be incapable of holding negative feelings. I think there’s a difference between bottling all your feelings vs. sitting and feeling through them. My negative journaling allowed me to dump my thoughts and feelings without really…working through anything.

I would blindly keep writing “I’m so anxious and uncomfortable and unhappy!!”. This felt so productive that I would leave it at that, rather than trying to figure out why, and how I can resolve these feelings or understand it further. And so this awful toxic cycle would occur, where I say I’m so unhappy, then… poof that’s it! I can’t necessarily escape a negative situation or mindset if I keep dropping it off without being mindful.

Okay, that was a very long explanation.

So, to try something new, why don’t I journal positive things? Not necessarily banning me from writing negative feelings, that would also be bad. If I really need an outlet for my emotions, cutting off writing wouldn’t be very helpful. Rather I need to add things that would help. So here I am with my gratitude journal idea.

Maybe I should try it, why not right?

So for thirty days I will be gratitude journaling.

It won’t be anything complex or crazy.

Everyday at the end of the day, I will write down a list of things I’m grateful for on that day. I won’t have a set number, there’s not a set time period. If I’m grateful for having a home on Wednesday, I can write that again on Thursday.

If I only have one thing to write that’s okay, if I have 13 to write that’s definitely okay too.

I don’t have to describe why, I don’t have to do anything I don’t want.

It’s a literal grocery list of things I’m grateful for.

Whether or not this will be effective or change anything, I guess we will find out. I started this on January 6th, so I should be done by February 6th.

So far I don’t find that it’s done anything crazy for me. If anything it’s nice to run through the day and remember that hey, I did do a range of different things that day. Sometimes with work from home it almost feels like you spend the whole day on your laptop without anything significant.

When I look back on yesterday’s list and see different things like:

1. I had really good tea.

2. I watched a really good show

3. Yoga

It brings a quick smile to my face. Hey, there was something really nice and small that day, that’s cool!

I’m usually all about appreciating the small things, so I find it funny that I was so cynical about gratitude journals.

Let me know if you’ve ever tried a gratitude journal before. Do you feel like it’s changed anything for the better? Was it like a vitamin? Good supplement but don’t expect giant results? It’s 2022, and I’ve been doing a lot of things the same way for a long time. I think change is healthy, and I’m really trying to change things here and there so I can handle larger change better.

Let me know if you’re trying something new this year too! Hope y’all have a great day, evening, and night-

hike

Life 2022: Starting My First Full Time Job, Changes, & Doubt

Oh boy.

I think that is a great summary of how I’ve been feeling the past month and a half.

It’s this passivity with an obvious tinge of anxiety. Not a long cynical “oh boy”, but one that is short, quipped, tense, but light.

Oh boy.

The past month and a half has been filled a really big milestone for me: I started my first full-time job. Ironically, while I left my last job because of “how little” I felt I was doing, I’m even less busy than I was before. Not necessarily a complaint, but I was feeling kind of anxious and lost the past month having an empty work schedule and a non-existent to do list.

Let me paint the picture.

December was a very cold month for Southern California. My feelings and associations with that month were a very deep faded blue color. Things were happening but time felt like sand slipping through the cracks of my fingers. I was there, but I also wasn’t. I guess 2022 is the time to attempt being present.

The first weekend of December was wonderful. After two long years, I finally went back to visit my quaint little college town. It took every fiber of my being to keep this visit a secret from my friends, but the pure satisfaction I got when I surprised them was priceless. I was literally buzzing with excitement when I knocked on my friend’s door, hiding my face in the frigid winter cold, just to have her recognize me immediately and scream, why?? how??? what are you doing here?! all in one exasperated shout.

We fell back into our old chatter and banter, and it almost felt like I never even left. We went out to eat, watched movies and decorated her place for Christmas like I’ve always been physically a part of her life the past two years, and not being anti-social 500 miles away.

It was also wonderful seeing my friend who used to lounge on our couch, take us us on a tour of his very adult like home, every room furnished and topped off with simple decor that tied the whole place together. He’s living my dream of being a 20 something and living with friends. It was so warm and wonderful being surrounded by familiar faces. My favorite memory was playing “adult” Pictionary really late into the night, and howling with laughter at our dumb antics.

After that weekend, my body ached for friendship.

It’s been so long since I was able to sit in a friend’s apartment and chit chat, drink, laugh, and relax without having to think of driving back home. Once this pandemic is over, I’ll cling onto friends like crazy.

Then it was back to reality.

The very first day of my job was pretty easy. Well, so was the first week. And the first two weeks. And then the first month.

My workplace requires us to go through a two week general training- all through zoom, then we can go to our respective departments and train with our specific job roles. The general training was really interesting and informative. I’m in an entry level mental health position, and the general training focused on the socio-emotional aspect of the job.

The only thing was that being on zoom for 8 hours straight felt like a punishment, even if the content was interesting.

How did kids go to zoom school for a year??? Sitting for that long staring at a screen is inhumane, and I only had to do it for 2 weeks.

Well, after that training was the holidays, so my supervisor didn’t really have tasks for me to do, and I went straight into vacation.

Then after the holidays, everyone was slowly getting back into their work pace, so it’s been a slow 2 weeks with me kind of sitting around on my computer, waiting for my first case. I would poke around random documents, random “trainings”, and HR tasks- then completely give up and go on tiktok for the next 5 hours.

I know I always joke around that I’d love to get paid for doing absolutely nothing, but the anxious over thinker in me was going nuts. I just wanted tasks to do!! Give me something, anything! Let me cross off checklists or something!!

And today, my wish was finally actualized. I got my first case!

I read the overview of my case and started hyperventilating.

There was a sudden realization of…uh oh. Now I have to do the hard work.

And the usual reflex reaction my brain does to protect me from change is to drown me in a lot of self doubt.

“Oh god this sounds so difficult, can you even do it?? Great, you spent the past week doing absolutely nothing to prepare for your cases, now you’re going to be so lost. Nonono I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this!!!!”

I was overwhelmed just looking at the email summary.

Then I took a deep breath, marched up to my work laptop, took another deep breath, and re-read that email about 15 times.

If my overanxious mind wants to think, then I’ll let it think productively.

If I feel unprepared, then I’ll prepare myself!

And my first reaction was to google how cases work, to text my coworker for help, and to basically react. I told myself to slow down, read through things logically, and ask for help logically tomorrow. That way I’ll have questions that are succinct, and clear instead of panic questions and word vomits.

The truth is, I’m really scared and nervous. This is an entry level position to work that can be really challenging. We’re working with youth who are going through a really hard time, and I don’t have exact experience navigating this population.

But life is a learning process.

I’m really proud of the way I handled things today, because if that was last year me getting the first case for today, I think I would’ve immediately closed the email and crawl into my bed to get rid of nerves that way.

Growth!! Progress!! Tackle things on head first, even though all I want to do is eat ice cream and watch movies.

Baby baby baby steps, but we’re doing our best.

I’m still really nervous, but now I’m feeling excited. I applied to this job for a reason, and I’m going to take full responsibility and try my best.

There’s a lot more I want to say about the past month, but I think this is enough. I started my first full-time job (sort of kind of sort of), and now let’s see of the real first three months will be like.

Oh boy.

I hope 2022 has been calm for everyone so far. And if you are dealing with something right now, I hope you find solace in these short little blurbs on the internet. Have a great January everybody!!

-hikae