Don’t get me wrong, I’m experiencing a lot of beautiful moments. I went to a super fun concert, hung out with friends, finished my fun ceramics piece, and overall have had such warm laughter scattered throughout my month.
BUT, goddamn our 20’s are hard. There are so many questions that are left unanswered. What career am I really supposed to take on that will both be enjoyable and can support me in the future? Is it really the right time to be dating? What can I do to work on my confidence, self-worth, and finally get myself to stop procrastinating and start doing?
So many things bouncing in my head.
But first let’s go with how I’m doing with my job.
I think I’m realizing that the mental health field is not for me. My job is hard and I’m not having a great time learning what I have to learn. I feel overwhelmed, very anxious and sad, lost and confused. I don’t regret this job at all though because it’s helping me realize that mental health is not for me. I think I need to re-pivot to education or something along the lines of a guidance counselor.
It sucks realizing I don’t like this job. Deep in my heart I always knew since college that I can’t do mental health. I’m more of an academic counselor/advisor person, but I don’t know why I never tried to go that route. What did I have against that route? I don’t know. I guess become a therapist with a private practice seemed more impressive than a high school counselor, but look how unhappy I’m being at the moment. Why do I let the supposed societal expectations weigh over me? I don’t know.
Man, it’s hard not liking my new job though. It’s been half a year and I don’t really like what I’m doing. I’m not interested in it, my hearts not in it, it’s not fun. Not that a job has to necessarily be fun, but I’m scraping by not even doing the bare minimum at this point.
My resolute confirmation that the mental health field is not for me is when my coworker stopped me in my tracks by asking a really simple question:
Do you like mental health?
And it took me a long time to answer, which was an answer in itself.
I don’t. Not really no.
Do I think it’s important? Yes. I’m I passionate about it? Not really. Maybe even the opposite. I think it drains me.
So how frustrating is that? I can’t do teaching because I hate disciplining children, I can’t do mental health because it drains me too, then what can I do?
I really liked creating lesson plans for kids, so I’m thinking something along the lines of curriculum making. I’m not sure though, if that’s even a reasonable job to have if I’ve never been a teacher.
Something in the creative field? I don’t know if I’m disciplined enough, or if that’s something that I’d like. I guess we can try to find out. I just really want something as a backup. I’m like should I try more behind the scenes stuff instead of direct care? Should I try HR or something? I feel like school counseling would be so fun. Like an academic counselor, but IDK. I might find it mundane and sad too. I don’t like mental health, I want to get out lol.
Why am I so opposed to doing shit I think I want to do. I think i want to be a school counselor. Idk. IDK if i would want to do it in a university though. I’m so lost. It shouldn’t be impossible to pivot to be a high school counselor. Ugh I don’t know. We got time though right? At least I’m trying something lol. At this point while I’m searching for my “career”, I need to make sure I’m picking up some important soft skills. I need to make sure I’m learning how to communicate and work in a team, learn how to socialize and network.
After a couple days though, I’m glad I figured it out this quick. I keep thinking that maybe if I start a program on the track to becoming a therapist I’ll somehow grow to like it more, because right now I’m just the grunt work. I think its the opposite though. I should be really really interested in learning more and moving up right now.
And boy do I want to jump ship just getting a taste.
I will pivot to working in universities again. And if I don’t like that, then whatever pivot again lol. I’m 24, I got time. As long as I’m doing my best to use my time wisely, to explore what I need to explore, then all is well. We’re doing the best with what we know now.
Our 20’s feel like a jumble of blegh. A big ball of “I have no fucking clue”. A slap of “what the fuck is going on”. A saucy bowl of “close our eyes and hope for the best”. A parade of “I’m just going to laugh bc I don’t know any better”.
It’s just a weird march of jazz hands and nervous laughter with a dash of dark anxiety.
Life is weird.
And dating in your 20s when you’ve never dated in your life?
Good god a shit show.
I think it’s a shit show either way, experience or no experience. It’s a series of: “Should I give this guy a chance just because he’s nice and gives me attention or is settling a big no no?”
Or “ah yes ghosted again”. Or “the guy didn’t like ME?!”
Dating feels like several ping pong balls in a jar with small dots of velcro attached and you have to violently shake it until another ping pong ball sticks to yours.
Dating is just probability and patience. Lot’s and lots and lots and lots of patience I guess.
BUT you have to keep shaking that jar bc if you don’t shake it, then the ping pong balls lay dormant and you won’t meet people. And it something does stick, it might not be the best fit. Or maybe the ping pong balls will stick and violently tear off, or slip off, or ghost off… LOL
So off to shaking the dating jar again. Even though your arms are tired and you would rather watch Netflix than aggressively try to do a million ice breakers again.
Do my metaphors make sense? Well they do to me.
And in between these marvelous brain games of trying to figure out your career, dating, living life, there’s just a lot of emotions I wish I didn’t have to feel.
Nerves, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, confusion, doubt.
Why are all these negative emotions such a staple piece of my life from the age of 22-24? HELLO LEAVE!!!
Well.
Yeah that’s life as a 24 year old overthinker.
Sometimes though I remember that I’m on a moving rock in space and I take life a little less seriously and try to just exist with peace and contentness. I buy that cute top. I take that short trip with my friends. I live a little. But now I need to MOVE again.
So my action plans for now:
- Talk to your damn therapist and get a different therapist. I really need some help dealing with my emotions of self-doubt, negative self talk, and brain fog.
- start formulating your job escape plan. This means finding a grad program for you, finding a different job opportunity in a university, sticking through at least one year of your current job, getting that letter of rec from your supervisor, STILL do your best to make connections etc. Leave, but be strategic and smart!!!!!!!! Learn as much as you can from those around you!! and do your best for the next 6 months. Be a damn superstar!!!
- Create moments of joy and light in between. We are NOT going to feel sad 24/7. YOU CAN feel sad, hell yeah, but we will also put effort into feeling good feelings okay?
- Please start taking care of your body. We have a lot of life left to live it might as well be a comfortable ride.
I think the first 6 months was a lot of dragging through the mud, confusion, and now I’m feeling a little free-er.
Let’s see how the next six months of 2022 go! No pressure for great change, but a lot of open-ness to possible changes! WOOOOO!!!
Here’s to the last half of being 24.
wow. ahhhhhhh oooooh.
ok.
LOL
= h i k a e = 