The past couple months have been so transformative. I know that 2022 me would probably be interested in how much I’ve changed within the span of what- 5 months? Not that anything outward has changed about me, but I feel like I walk through the world with more confidence that things will work out in my favor, and that I’ll be okay.
I trust myself a lot more. Something my therapist mentioned would happen with moving out. You learn how to trust yourself and your decisions once you are forced into independence.
It’s true. I don’t really cower at the thought of making decisions as much as I did last year. And there’s this newfound sense- Sure I can do it, why not? This was something I’ve seen with my friends that I just didn’t have yet. I envied them so much for being able to try things where they might fail, but still tried it anyway.
It feels like I’m so behind the learning curve my friends understood early on, but once again our experiences are all so different. I would never ever trade places with anyone because I am genuinely so so grateful for the path that I’ve been on. I’ve lived such a wonderful life filled with people that love me so much. And just because I feel that I’m making “slow” progress, doesn’t mean it’s something I need to shame myself for.
I don’t even have a destination in mind how can I possibly be slacking?
Life is just a series of experiences you curate. Don’t take it so seriously, but at the same time put value into the things that you want to prioritize.
Is my brain finally forming completely? I don’t know.
There’s been this terrible frustration with prioritization though. I know I haven’t been prioritizing what needs to be prioritized. It feels like I’m creating side missions while the biggest mission of all is still untouched: Find a career path and a job!!!!!!
Ever since I was in college it felt like I never took this seriously. Or I was more afraid of this task more than anything. Rather than following what I know I would be interested in, I try to create back up plans and safety nets rather than going for what I want. Why is that? My frustration lies in “not knowing what to do”…but I think I do know what fields I would enjoy and what I would love to do.
I know that I would love a mix of planning, creating, and being with people. I know that a higher education setting would be a good fit for that as a director/program coordinator for some program. But I’m scared of being boxed in, or my master’s being a waste of time.
I also know that I would love to be a content creator. But I’m scared that I won’t do well and that would also be a waste of time.
So what do I do? Try to find backup plans instead of trying what I think would satisfy me the most. It’s so weird I don’t understand myself. There’s a time where I think instructional design would be best fit…but I don’t think working on remote projects would be great for me in the long run. It was something that I really loved doing with my past job though….
Can I also just say…I really truly don’t care for a career, but it also feels so important because we need money and we spend such a long time at work…..
Maybe that’s why I would rather create a brand and business for myself, because if I’m going to immerse myself into work I might as well make a brand for myself and a business I can profit off of/sell later. BUT i’m also very hands off. I like clocking out and never thinking about work.
So odd of me I swear to god.
I just need to get my shit together and think about this productively.
Alright, time to try things and tick off boxes again.
Figuring out life is so dumb. Hopefully I’ll come back with more insight.
This is what I mean by lack of prioritization. I should’ve been working on this since college, but it’s 4 years out and I’m still confused? OH god. That’s okay, I’ll figure stuff out NOW. NOW. I typed later and re-typed it to now. No more procrastinating or else I’m going to be 35 still wondering if I should do a masters in anything smfh.
All of this is because I’m going to be laid off end of May btw. Lame. I know. It really puts me into a spiral. But, I seriously had so many months to think about it and I still didnt. So here are the consequences of my actions.
Okay, bye!!!!!!! Time to think productively instead of going back and forth again. Hope yall are finding some peace during this weird 2023.
-hikae
= h i k a e = 