Dancing Series 3: It’s been over 1 year since my first dance class!! I love dance but I have so much left to learn

It’s my one year dance anniversary! This is something that’s so so important to me. So many changes have happened in my life, but dance has been the only constant. I remember posting about dance in 2020 and the beginning of last year, and it’s safe to say I’ve changed a lot in and out of dance class.

I started going to dance classes around last summer in August 2022. I went to one drop in class a week, and was very loyal to the dance studio from August to the end of November of 2022. December got dicey with the holidays.

Dance literally changed my life.

I was in a really bad place mentally because of work, and it lifted me up like nothing has before. It felt like a shot of liquid gold for my mental health is what I used to say. The pure euphoria after each dance class was nothing like I’ve ever experienced, and it became my new obsession.

But let me just say, that I felt so awkward, stiff, and confused during those first few months of dance. Going to dance one hour a week was enough for my mental health, but it definitely didn’t do much in terms of dance growth. Retaining choreography, understanding timing, and feeling the music were all things that took a long time to develop.

At the time though, dance was purely for fun, and it was a way for me to release all the stress the work week brought. And for me that was more than enough.

If I can describe those first few months with dance, it felt like a honeymoon phase filled with a lot of mental hurdles. I had to get over my frustrations of not retaining choreography, my struggle with terrible timing, constant comparison with my peers and dance friends, and understanding that growth takes time and effort. Like I said, I didn’t realize it at the time, but one dance class a week was not going to show great leaps in technique.

Last year, all I wanted and needed dance for, was to get myself through the week. It felt like a healthy coping mechanism that I desperately needed. But as time passed, it became a large part of my identity, and contributed to who I am as a person.

An important development is that I met a really good friend through dance. She’s such a large part of my life now, that it’s crazy to think we didn’t even know each other before last summer. Dance also brings a sense of community that would be hard to come across as someone who works from home. I’m really introverted, but even if I don’t directly socialize with others, it feels great to be around on a regular basis. Dance became something more than a stress reliever, and it’s infiltrated a large part of my existence to an extent my closest loved ones aren’t even aware of. Only my dance friends really get it. Which in some sense, feels like a beautiful secret.

I think it’s the first time I can say I’m passionate about something- and it’s the best feeling in the world.

Now after a year of drop in classes, trying different studios, and being exposed to different people in the dance scene, my feelings towards dance has shifted. To be honest, up until last week, my only goal was to do amazing in dance class and kill it in the videos we record in class. That was all I wanted.

Until I realized that dance is a lot bigger than that. I explored dance a lot in the context of dance class. Who were my favorite instructors, why did I enjoy their dance styles, what type of dance I enjoy, the technicalities of dance, the type of music to dance to, foundational moves we should learn etc.

I realized all the lengthy discussions my friends and I had, they were usually in the context of dance class, but never of dance itself. Dance is much bigger than the constraints I’ve put onto it before. A one hour dance class structure is a wonderful and safe space to explore dance in…but I’m starting to realize there’s so much more to it that I can play with.

How do I feel with different music? How can I express myself with movement, and why do I feel this need to express with my body?

I don’t know, I think practicing choreography outside of the dance studio really started this process for me. It made me realize how much I was restricting myself from exploring different things by focusing on my dance videos at the end of class. Literally for the entire year I’ve done dance classes, I never practiced at home. There was no motivation or drive in me, because all I wanted to do was do amazing in a dance class.

So as my first year of dance has passed, and I’m now encroaching into my first few months of dancing in my 2nd year…my mind is opening to the world of dance.

Initially I wanted to take double the amount of dance classes I’ve been taking. I wanted to learn at lightening speed and pick up as many moves possible.

But now I’m realizing that as a beginner, while quantity is definitely still important, I should slow down and focus on quality. Sure I’m picking up some dance moves, but how am I executing those dance moves? I can still take a lot of dance classes, but I need to make sure I’m prioritizing quality and practice the moves I learn.

Overall, I’ve grown a lot through dance. I think I’m back in the phase where I’m realizing that every dance class I take, there’s something I can learn from it. It’s really humbling taking a class you think will be easy, and realizing you still have so much to learn. I took a foundational grooves class yesterday and it kicked my butt. The basic moves I thought I executed really well…turns out I’m missing some important components of the dance. It definitely was an eye-opener, and this is what led to this post.

So while I feel like I didn’t really grow during my first few months of dance, I’d like to thank my dance journey from last year. I learned a lot! And we have to start somewhere in order to build our knowledge of what we know and don’t know.

Things I learned & experienced during my first few months of dance:

1. How a dance class is structured
2. How to follow along with counts and timing
3. Choreo retention
4. Basic moves
5. The importance of mentality and perspective while dancing (go to learn & absorb)
6. Volunteering to dance for the class
7. Making valuable relationships
8. Feeling like I have a passion

Without those things I listed above, I would not be where I am today. And for the last 6 months of my 1st dance year, here’s what I learned:

1. Better Timing
2. Better Choreo retention
3. Understanding that I lack appropriate weight shifts (this is so hard for me)
4. Understanding that I need to push more (to go full out)
5. Be more mindful of my arms and hands
6. Transitions between combinations/moves are important
7. Need more foundational grooves knowledge
8. Texture is something I can start trying to play with
9. I’m good with clear pictures but not great with grooves
10. It’s probably a good idea to take a dance move/groove and practice it over and over (like all the instructors suggest lol)

There’s a lot more I’d love to work on, but the fact that I understand all of these things, can be attributed to the fact that I stepped into a dance class in the first place, and struggled my way into learning the basics. So now I understand that I have an understanding of basic dance, but now it’s my goal to really learn everything the right way with more quality.

Ugh, if you can’t tell from this post, I love dance. I really do.

And at times I wonder how long I’ll love dance to this intensity, and how long I can spend this much time and money over it. It’s lovely seeing so many dance friends that are older than me to show that I can carry this passion for a long time, and there are ways to integrate it into your daily life even as an adult.

God I love dance.

I can’t wait to see where I’ll be next year 🙂

Life Update 2023: Soon to be Unemployed, Frustration with my Lack of Prioritization, and Figuring Life out as a 25 Year Old

The past couple months have been so transformative. I know that 2022 me would probably be interested in how much I’ve changed within the span of what- 5 months? Not that anything outward has changed about me, but I feel like I walk through the world with more confidence that things will work out in my favor, and that I’ll be okay.

I trust myself a lot more. Something my therapist mentioned would happen with moving out. You learn how to trust yourself and your decisions once you are forced into independence.

It’s true. I don’t really cower at the thought of making decisions as much as I did last year. And there’s this newfound sense- Sure I can do it, why not? This was something I’ve seen with my friends that I just didn’t have yet. I envied them so much for being able to try things where they might fail, but still tried it anyway.

It feels like I’m so behind the learning curve my friends understood early on, but once again our experiences are all so different. I would never ever trade places with anyone because I am genuinely so so grateful for the path that I’ve been on. I’ve lived such a wonderful life filled with people that love me so much. And just because I feel that I’m making “slow” progress, doesn’t mean it’s something I need to shame myself for.

I don’t even have a destination in mind how can I possibly be slacking?

Life is just a series of experiences you curate. Don’t take it so seriously, but at the same time put value into the things that you want to prioritize.

Is my brain finally forming completely? I don’t know.

There’s been this terrible frustration with prioritization though. I know I haven’t been prioritizing what needs to be prioritized. It feels like I’m creating side missions while the biggest mission of all is still untouched: Find a career path and a job!!!!!!

Ever since I was in college it felt like I never took this seriously. Or I was more afraid of this task more than anything. Rather than following what I know I would be interested in, I try to create back up plans and safety nets rather than going for what I want. Why is that? My frustration lies in “not knowing what to do”…but I think I do know what fields I would enjoy and what I would love to do.

I know that I would love a mix of planning, creating, and being with people. I know that a higher education setting would be a good fit for that as a director/program coordinator for some program. But I’m scared of being boxed in, or my master’s being a waste of time.

I also know that I would love to be a content creator. But I’m scared that I won’t do well and that would also be a waste of time.

So what do I do? Try to find backup plans instead of trying what I think would satisfy me the most. It’s so weird I don’t understand myself. There’s a time where I think instructional design would be best fit…but I don’t think working on remote projects would be great for me in the long run. It was something that I really loved doing with my past job though….

Can I also just say…I really truly don’t care for a career, but it also feels so important because we need money and we spend such a long time at work…..

Maybe that’s why I would rather create a brand and business for myself, because if I’m going to immerse myself into work I might as well make a brand for myself and a business I can profit off of/sell later. BUT i’m also very hands off. I like clocking out and never thinking about work.

So odd of me I swear to god.

I just need to get my shit together and think about this productively.

Alright, time to try things and tick off boxes again.

Figuring out life is so dumb. Hopefully I’ll come back with more insight.

This is what I mean by lack of prioritization. I should’ve been working on this since college, but it’s 4 years out and I’m still confused? OH god. That’s okay, I’ll figure stuff out NOW. NOW. I typed later and re-typed it to now. No more procrastinating or else I’m going to be 35 still wondering if I should do a masters in anything smfh.

All of this is because I’m going to be laid off end of May btw. Lame. I know. It really puts me into a spiral. But, I seriously had so many months to think about it and I still didnt. So here are the consequences of my actions.

Okay, bye!!!!!!! Time to think productively instead of going back and forth again. Hope yall are finding some peace during this weird 2023.

-hikae

February 2023: If it’s change you want, it’s change you’ll get

If you told me in February 2022 that in one year’s time I will be: moving out, getting laid off, and nosediving into a different career path that’s anything but direct care- I’d raise an eyebrow.

All that in one years time? Sure…okay.

Well a series of big changes swept my life over the past month, and to be honest I was in a miserable space. Change is necessary for me to grow, but I also hate every minute of a new change. It feels big, overwhelming, stressful, and unmanageable. Several doubts always makes it’s way through my head- Can I do this? What if I can’t? What if I mess up? It’s going to be terrible! etc.

The truth is I’ve tried writing this post several times. Each time I started it off I could feel how my energy was bouncing through the roof. It was poetically chaotic. Everything was dramatized.

Now I’m doing better with all the change that’s happening, but it doesn’t mean that I’m completely comfortable with it.

So without further ado, let’s address the new changes in my life that’s been giving me peak anxiety and excitement:

1. Moving out

Can you believe it? This is something I’ve been wanting the second I moved back home 3 years ago. I’m moving out!! And ironically, I’m more scared than excited. The past few months have been pretty good at home, and I honestly think it’s the most content I’ve been. This is probably because I know my stay at home is finally finite. My perspective with living at home has switched into one of greater gratitude and warmth. This is a home where my entire family is, and it’s a home that’s kept me safe and well-fed. Rather than constant resentment and irritation, my attitude has been more pleasant and relaxed. Though to be honest, my attitude has improved ever since I got a full-time job because of the space it’s given me and my family. Since we only see each other in the evening, it’s lessened the conflict and friction we experienced when everyone was at home during the 2020 covid year.

So with this newfound contentment, it got to a point where I questioned leaving in the first place. Home is comfortable, familiar, and wonderful.

But that is the issue with living at home. I can feel myself being stagnant, and I’m guaranteeing myself another year of being stagnant by staying at home. If anything, I feel grateful that I’m leaving on good terms. Had I left any earlier I would exude an “in-your-face” I’m leaving because being at home sucks!!” attitude. I would have to have my parents think I’ve hated my experience at home because of them, when all they’ve done is their best to provide for their kids.

It feels comforting that I can leave without resentment. I’m doing this to grow, not to escape. I love my parents and my brother a lot, and I know it’ll be a hard adjustment. It’s really funny considering I spent 4 years in college living 8 hours away. Somehow it’s still hard to leave even with a short 35 min drive.

I can feel that this will be good for me, but I can still acknowledge the sadness that accompanies leaving. Hopefully I can explore a lot of different things that will lead me closer to creating the life that will be fulfilling but also stable.

Can moving out do that for me? I’ll tell you once the lease is up.

2. Getting Laid Off

“Ugh. Ugh? Ugh. What the hell. How am I going to find another job??? Where will I go?? Thank god to be honest I’ve been so burnt out and unhappy. This is like a green light to leave!! But I hate job hunting. What’s even going on. Am I selfish for thinking of me first rather than the families I’m working with? Who knows.”

That paragraph is a summary of what’s been going on in my ever since my company said they’re cutting the whole department in a couple months. We do not have enough funds to keep going.

Let me tell you it was a surreal moment to have 40 people in a room be told that they will no longer have a job in a couple months. It was so quiet I felt my brain fog naturally leave.

I wasn’t okay for a good two weeks. I processed what this meant, and allowed myself to sulk and feel all the different emotions I needed to feel. Hell, I applied to a couple jobs by the 3rd week. Honestly, this is in some ways a blessing in disguise for me. I’ve been so unhappy and confused in this position for far too long. It’s already been 1 year and 2 months, and I still feel like a fish out of water. And what makes it worse is that I genuinely feel that my heart is not in the mental health field anymore. The need to escape and leave is strong, and that leads me to…

3. Switching Fields

Oh mental health. I’ve known since college that it wouldn’t be the right fit to pursue you. Now why did I ignore all the warning signs in my body anyway? In college, abnormal psychology which interested even non-psych majors was a pretty non-stimulating class for me. If anything biology and neurobiology interested me way more than that class. I attended a mental health conference and felt so out of place and anxious. I tried a psychology research lab and was interested, but not entirely engaged. And now all of this leads me to this current position- being in a mental health nonprofit.

If this hasn’t been the biggest STOP DO NOT CONTINUE!!! Sign…I don’t know what the hell would stop me.

Mental health is not for me. I would not be a good fit as a therapist. I would not be great in social work, and I would be awful in any direct care setting. This is a field where you can’t coast and find it tolerable. You need the heart and drive for it or you will be eaten alive.

And so we pivot. I’m going to follow my gut even though everything is telling me it wouldn’t be practical. I’m going into higher education even though the higher ed system is collapsing. I want to go into learning and development, so that if higher ed does go down, I can take my skills to corporate.

OH life.

No clue if this is the right fit. I love making curriculum and the best part of my job has been attending trainings. I love trainings. So curriculum + training, I feel like ID would be the best fit. It’s time to follow and explore my interests instead of my “should’s”. Just because I did psychology in college does not mean I need to do it for the rest of my life. Let’s see where I take myself.

In conclusion, I’ve been so lost, confused, frustrated, anxious, sad, and basically been feeling all the feelings. I know moving out has been everything I wanted, but at the same time I don’t even know lmao. Nothing is every stable in your twenties huh? I’ll keep y’all updated sooooon!!!

New Year- 2023! Is anyone else just plain…tired?

This is probably the first new year’s where I felt like crying because I made it through the whole year. It was the first time where I was overwhelmed with emotion because of how tired I was at the end. It could have to do with the fact that I feel PMS symptoms, but it was definitely a different feeling for new year.

Is anyone else just tired?

I’m so mentally done. And not in the pandemic sort of way where it was 100% pure depression. I mean I’m just deep-sigh-doubtful-about-new-goals done.

In the past, although I’d be an emotional mess for the entirety of the year, I would at least be somewhat hopeful and ready for a clean slate the new year has to offer. This year it feels like a giant dose of cynicism entered my bloodstream because I’m not really excited. I haven’t even bought a new journal for the year…or thought of buying a new journal. Do you know how important new journals are for me??

I want to dig a deep hole and lay in it fetal position style. And I know this is something I’ve mentioned before. I honestly think it’s a big case of seasonal depression. January always has this not so great chokehold on me where I feel so sluggish and sad. I just don’t want to do.

This raises a big cautious question mark in my head because I’m usually all about new years resolutions and goals. I love new notebooks and reflecting.

One of my friends talked about setting a new routine for different things- exercise, skincare, daily habits.

When I heard that I thought to myself- “Damn, I wonder what it’s like to be so mentally healthy and have energy to even want to do all those things”.

Do you ever wonder how other people can fit so much into their days- and WANT to do so many things, and actually DO those things?

A big factor for the way I’m feeling and thinking is a decline in physical activity and healthy eating. My energy levels are zapped because I haven’t regularly exercised in so long. All I’ve done is lounge around and eat. Which to be fair- is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while now.

I’m tired of thinking. I’m so tired of overthinking. It may be because of the ADHD my therapist hinted at, but I’m…taking the last lap around the block at the moment. Sometimes I feel like banging my head against a table to reset it up there.

And I know it sounds dark, but I promise this is just low energy levels, burnout, and seasonal depression.

Fortunately I still have a lot of hope for the future, even though I’m currently confused about my life’s direction again. I’m more aware that this will pass, and I just have to get through it- even though it feels extremely unpleasant. I can’t believe just a month ago I told my therapist goodbye because I was doing emotionally well. Now I feel like I need her again.

I can do this, we all can. There will be moments where we feel like chilling at the bus stop rather than getting on the bus of life and that’s okay.

I know I can do it!!! I know I can. I trust myself and I believe in myself. Two things that took a long time to get to.

So what are my action steps now? It seems like I already know what’s causing this low mood and its two things 1. lack of exercise 2. lack of nutritious food.

So I will:

1. Make sure I move at least 30 minutes a day for the month.

2. Make sure I’m hydrated by drinking my water bottle at least 2x a day.

3. Not sleep past 11:30pm

Nothing crazy. I just need to get back on my feet and get my blood pumping.

Let’s see how January goes. I love you self, and I love others. I may be slightly dead now, that’s okay.

I hope yall have a great new year, may 2023 treat you with gentle kindness.

November 2022: The Hidden Beam of Joy & Light this Year!!

For as long as I can remember, November has always been that month that was never memorable. For one instagram post I think I likened November to a filler month, a month where nothing great really happens but is there to cushion the end to our year.

This year November felt pretty great. It could be the fact that I’m simply romanticizing my birth month, but the fact that I can look back on November fondly almost feels like something special. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been booked and busy, but there was just something significant about this month.

Well, just as last month’s update, I’ll start this one with a dating summary. I know I said I wouldn’t go out on dates anymore because it was distracting me and made me feel super dysregulated. This month was no different. I was talking to and went on 3 dates with one guy, and every single step of the way I felt super insecure, filled with doubt, and very confused- of course because of my own inner turmoil. This man was very consistent, communicated very clearly, and was very kind. It was very on brand of me to freak out every step of the way even though there literally was nothing to freak out over. In the end, I sent him a “wish you well, but I don’t feel a connection” type message.

It was true. I actually really enjoyed our time together, and I looked forward to hanging out with him. But after the third date there was this nagging feeling in me that said “I don’t know man, this just doesn’t feel right”. It felt like I was gently forcing two incompatible puzzle pieces together. You know the type where the pieces could fit, and it looks like they actually do fit, but you realize it’s not the right piece. To be fair I think I knew early on, my lack of experience just has me going down a winding path of confusion and self-doubt. After talking to a couple of my friends, I knew that “giving it one more shot” would be a disservice for the both of us.

Honestly, I was pretty down and disappointed after sending him a goodbye message. I knew it was because of the “what could’ve been” that sticks in my brain. What if I stayed and got to know him a bit better? Maybe I would’ve learned to like him more. Maybe it’s just too early to know. We could be seeing such cute christmas lights and doing cute couple-ly things by now!! But even in that sad montage, I realized I never told myself “damn I’m gonna miss him”. I immediately thought “ah fuck I’m going to be single forever”. The sadness I felt was due to the loss of the possibility of a cute relationship- not necessarily the loss of the guy himself. Which in some ways made me even sadder, and I was genuinely hoping the guy wasn’t too disappointed. I think we both had some high expectations.

Anyway, dating is rough, but after 2022, I’m hell-bent on only dating guys I find attractive. I realized it’s okay to say no if you’re not attracted to someone. Finding someone attractive over time works in settings where you can see the person regularly (such as a coworker- ew I know, or someone from a dance class, or a friend of a friend). But I’ve come to accept that it’s not the right setting with dating apps. You really do need some type of special chemistry to keep going. This is a stranger that you’re agreeing to go out of your usual schedule and routine to meet. You can’t rely on just time and hope that seeing them once a week will get you to a place where you might possibly consider them to be a partner. The interest and attraction’s gotta be there hopefully after the couple times you’ve met. Otherwise it’s a big energy suck. You know how some people get super hung up on the idea of a “spark”? I think I’ve consumed so much media declaring that the spark is a lie that I went to far down the other side of the spectrum. I kept going on dates even if I felt absolutely nothing. As long as the guy wasn’t rude I thought, “eh why not”. Just like all things in life, we do need a balance.

Either way, even though it didn’t work out, I really enjoyed the time I spent with that guy and the conversations we had. He had an interesting perspective on some things, and I would’ve loved to stay friends. Unfortunately, logistically it just seemed unrealistic to offer that. He was a super social person who had his time divided with other friends and idk, deep down it felt weird to keep him as a friend. I would have offered if I knew we both felt very neutral about each other. I’m a cute catch though what can I say? Jk lol.

And so 2022 ends with me as single as can be. But I felt like the few dates I went on definitely helped me grow in a sense. I realized some things, and while it’s a painfully slow process, I can’t wait to date and feel secure and confident. It might take a lot more first dates and time, but that’s okay. Baby steps. Dating doesn’t seem as super scary as it was in the beginning.

Alright, love life aside- the rest of November!

November was the month where I did a lot of fun things! The month kicked off with a very sweet brunch my dance friends held to celebrate my birthday. They were so thoughtful and got me very specific gifts, and we had a great time hanging out all day. Still really grateful we met and formed such a genuine friendship within the short time of knowing each other. I also visited my friend in Davis and it felt like old times again. Re-connecting with friends always energizes me. We talked about the most random things and I had what felt like the first weekend of pure rest I’ve had in a looooong time. Not to mention we ate a LOT of really good food.

I also saw one of my LA friends! She came down to drop off a gift and I had a dinner with her and her sister (and puppy!!). That short visit was honestly so fun and I appreciated her coming down to do that. Although I didn’t see my other LA friend, I was able to call her to rant about my dating life, and she was all ears. It was helpful to have someone sort of far to rant to. It feels like I don’t disappoint her when dating doesn’t go the way I want it to. A good friend.

And I went to not one, but two concerts! I took my mom to a blackpink concert, and boy did she have fun. It felt so good to treat my mom out to see a group that she really likes. At first it seemed like she wasn’t super excited, but after the concert she couldn’t stop talking about the experience up until now really. I was grateful that the show went well and my mom had a blast. My second concert was a Thuy concert! It was the first time I went to smaller more intimate venue which was a special experience in itself. I went with my dance friends which was very wholesome and a great way to end November.

November was also the month of family. We had thanksgiving and it was great seeing my extended family members. Plus, the break was just a nice break from work overall.

My mood in November was really good. There were obviously moments of discomfort and darkness, but as is life.

Overall, I think it was the constant connectedness I felt with the people around me that made November feel as special as it was. There really is something special about community and being with people that love you, or even people who simply exude kindness and understanding. I love people. And I hope I remember this whenever I feel myself struggle in the new year. I may not have a bunch of amazing accomplishments to list, but I do have a strong circle of people who care about me and love me. How amazing is that?

I guess that’s the true lesson November taught me. As crazy cheesy as it is to center this month on love and gratitude, I guess there’s a reason why we focus on it so much. You can hate on “live, laugh, love” all you want, but those are the truly the things that fill the soul.

I know I’m super into self-improvement and self-help journeys, but it always felt so cold and isolating. Once again I think we just need a balance in life. I can improve myself but also surround myself with family and friends. Never forget those connections even if you want to somehow create the life you want. Because the life you want needs to include the people you most care about. Foster those relationships and your worst failures and hardships will be surpassable.

Okayyyyyyy damn, I really had a lot to say this month huh? Mostly good, fortunately. After the trainwreck that was October I deserve this month lol! Hopefully my December updates will have an air of lightness to it this holiday season. I hope your November had some warmth and light as well! If not, there are more opportunities in December.

Have a great holiday season!

-kae

Life Update October 2022: The most neutral chaotic i’ve felt in a long time

You know how they say your prefrontal cortex completely develops around 25? I feel that. The constant panic I have around mundane things is finally subsiding. The saying “Don’t make a mountain out of molehills” is something that I’m finally doing.

Well sort of. I think my brain had a giant explosion before settling down during my birthday month [november ;)]

You read my last post I was a mess over a 2 hour first date LOL.

Well October was a MESS.

Wow actually thinking back to October, it was horrendous. Very fitting for Halloween lol.

I don’t even know if I would say it was neutral chaotic, it felt very chaotic actually. That was the month my parents left for the philippines. The house was a mess, my emotional and mental state were compromised, I was NOT sleeping well, i had not routine, i was constantly hungry, anxiety was at an all-time high, and I gained 7 pounds yall.

7 pounds?!?!? As a very short person that is a LOT.

Not really sure why my life erupted so terribly. It was probably a combination of not getting substantial meals since my parents were gone, and starting back on dating apps when I definitely should not have gone on them yet.

Man I feel like october was 3 months crushed into one. So much happened and so much didn’t at the same time.

I usually categorize my posts but I’ll try this narrative style to challenge my adhd brain lol.

Well, here we go:

October started off with a bang. I went on a date with a cute dude the very last day of September, and on October 1st I was greeted by a ghost.

BOO!

The phantom of having a stable relationship jumpscared me into a paralyzed state of shock. A twenty-somethings man ghosted me after a decent date together? Why did I not see this as a possible outcome?

The frustration, disappointment, anxiety, and bitter discontent I felt that weekend as I impatiently waited for a DM unfortunately set the tone for the rest of October.

This girl was a hot mess.

My emotions were amped up, my impulsive nature came out to play, and with my parents being gone, my routine was absolutely wrecked. For some reason my priorities shifted and I was hungrily looking for any chance to have fun and go crazy. With that being said, my initial intent to “get my life together” morphed into something that was the complete opposite. I wanted to loose myself.

Okay pause, a bit dramatic. It was more like, I wanted to loosen the reigns with the slight freedom I had.

This led to me prioritizing anything that would give me an instant dopamine boost.

I hit the clubs and bars with my friends (one night haha), I stayed out past midnight to wingwoman my friend with a guy she’s interested in (on a WEEKDAY), and I spent a shit ton of money on anything and everything. If it was something that would disrupt my routine and set me up for failure the next day or upcoming month, I was going to do it.

What this resulted in was me feeling like I was super unorganized, out of control, everything slipped from my fingertips- and boy did I show it. I snapped at my brother everyday, and I cried to my therapist pretty damn hard. It felt like I was experiencing so much life, but it was never in my control. It was honestly exhausting.

Not to mention that there were a lot of things going on with my work life that felt overwhelming. The looming existential crisis that never subsides but swells and retreats hit me full blast. I was drowning in disappointment with where I was in life, and I ineffectively used fun and friends to distract myself and pull myself up.

At the same time all the craziness inspired change.

I cut my hair, finally got a new phone, new shoes, explored the dating apps more, found a great therapist, met new people, went to a concert for the first time in a long time, and I just lived. Yin and Yang, with the bad comes the good right?

All of these experiences build up and I feel like I want to grow even more. That means I’ve been wanting to create a life plan more seriously. Not just because I have to, but because I want to. I want to be able to support myself and explore the world and create the life I want. I really understand why people work so hard. They want to experience a lot of different things, and create a life where they don’t have to chase stability.

October was eye opening. Exhausting, chaotic, and sporadic, but it was a helpful month in terms of expanding my perspective on life.

I can tell you right now, November feels so different already.

After this weekend, I’m officially saying goodbye to the dating apps until February. This is my usual cycle. I’ve realized that I’m not in a stable place to pursue dating yet. Once I have my life goals in place and I’m actively taking steps to complete them, then sure I’ll go on them.

Not right now when I’m still so shaky, confused, irritated, and feeling defeated (but also hopeful?). I’ve distracted myself for far too long on things I shouldn’t be prioritizing at the moment.

I’ve also been a lot more organized with work and my daily life, slept at a decent hour, felt more emotionally stable. I know it’s only been 4 days but there’s been a shift with the November air. Maybe it’s because it’s my birth month, maybe it’s because I’m turning 25, or maybe it’s because I’m just tired of repeating the same boring cycle of saying things and not doing.

Either way, I’m moving.

Slowly and surely.

Wishing yall the best during November!!! I love November!!!!!!

-kae

Life update September 2022: Life is full so many ups and so many downs

Life update:

I will say, September I felt a lot better with the direction and mood my life was heading into. Then I re-downloaded dating apps and everything went to utter shit. I’m almost embarrassed to admit how much dating apps can impact my general mood and concentration, but it’s such an easy way to get distracted, and it involves feelings which usually throw me off balance.

I literally have not done anything to work towards my goals, I’ve been so emotionally and mentally off balance, and it’s been ROUGH.

I hate that I can’t balance dating with other life things it’s so damn frustrating. The worst part is I’m still stuck with matching/talking, and I haven’t even really “dated” anyone.

UGH. I’ve been needing to rant and reflect on this.

My work life has been a mess, I’ve been a mess with my health, and my life suddenly became stagnant for 2-3 weeks because of the dating apps. Of course deep down I’m the problem, but the dating apps really amped up all my bad habits of sitting on my phone for hours and not doing anything. I also just feel generally shitty. Expecting to make a connection with someone, and not even getting any type of reply back can ruin the rest of my day.

Before dating apps gave me a lot of validation, but now it’s ruining my self esteem. I think things like “Am i really that bad and uninteresting that no one is interested enough in liking my profile back? Am i super repulsive that no one wants to go on a second date with me?”

Weirdly enough I was on such a high when I first downloaded the apps, but now I’m back to rock bottom with regards to my self esteem and anything in my life.

The worst part about October is that it’s the perfect time to try and make great changes in my life because my parents are gone and it leaves so much space in the home for me to get my shit together.

I’ve always had this fantasy that if I just lived alone, or if I had my own space, I’d make leaps and bounds towards a healthier lifestyle and good habits.

That has not happened. I’ve regressed even further. Because i have to eat and clean and maintain the house in addition to going out with friends, I’ve honestly gotten worse.

I don’t clean as much as I thought I would, I’m eating so unhealthily and sporadic that my energy is all over the place.

To be fair, I may be feeling like this the last week because of PMS. Deep down though I know it’s just me. I’ve been so obsessed with my phone and sitting and thinking and being so down on myself recently.

With all that being said, I would love to name some positives that occurred the last two weeks:

THE GOOD:

1. Hanging out with friends!

I had my first night out in a long long time. I was absolutely smashed and messed up. I’m glad I had that experience because I was romanticizing a wild night out, and now that I’ve had one I never want one again. I’m satisfied with my more wholesome days out. I also had a charcuterie board with my good friends! it was a lovely wholesome activity.

2. Trying to go out on dates

Even though my experiences have been in a negative light…its because I went out with someone and i thought they were really cute. They did not like me, and never reached out after even though they asked for socials. I think all my built up dating app frustration exploded after realizing I can be super attracted to someone (finally!!!!!) but that doesn’t mean that they’ll be interested or attracted to me.

This was something I learned early in the year, but I didn’t find the man too physically attractive so I was frustrated, but not to a point where I was super super upset and hopeful at the same time.

It was heartbreaking because I find it so hard to be interested in someone physically, and now that I was I was so…smitten (Lol i feel so old saying that) and he didn’t like me…it sucked.

Now I’m slowly accepting that it was the idea that of that person that really hooked me in, and the possibility of finally finally having a relationship (kind of crazy to expect after one week of casual chatting and one quick date). But I’m tired!! And I want a relationship now!!! And it’s okay to be dissappointed its normal! We are human, we feel things and we can’t be super nonchalant and detached all the time.

It embarrassingly took me over a week to get over that one date. To be fair though, it was the idea of finally meeting someone i liked that smacked me in the face. It’s so hard to be detached from dating because it’s a really personal thing to try and make connections with random strangers. It takes 30 hours of spending time together to be friends though apparently. So…one hour is NOT enough LOL.

So while I had a really really hard time with dating apps this time around, it was still a learning experience on finding a balance with my entire life before being all consumed with dating and the idea of men.

3. Making new friends!!!!

My dance friends are honestly amazing wonderful people. I’m so glad that I met them, and i’ll keep trying to make new friends and a new community around me. It’s been very slow, but fortunately really steady connection! They’re such wonderful and introspective humans its a blessing to be around them.

4. FUN FUN FUN events!!

I went to an LA pop up event with my friend!! It’s was honestly so much fun, and I love spending time with that friend in a new setting. The pop up is just so fun. I love experiencing new things like that.

5. Therapy!!!

A big goal has been met!!! I went to a therapy assessment! And I was so happy. It went much better than the first therapist. I think this is a big goal that was on my mind!!! and i did it!!! I’m so relieved. She also thinks I have adhd. I’ve been thinking the same for months. I’m so so relieved and I’m excited to get the help I need.

6. Dance

My dance hobby has been such a lovely life saver. It’s given me so much joy and light that I’ve never felt before. I’ve always wanted to dance, and now that I can I always feel so content and happy after every class!!

You know after writing out the good, it feels good to realize I’ve prioritized connecting with others. I know I have to reign it in and start applying to grad schools, start life planning, and working on daily habits, but human connection is so so important for feeling like you have a purpose in this world. I know I’ve been frustrated, but I will do my best to keep going and working on myself.

I have a lot of hope, I really want to work on my goals, and while I feel like no progress has progressed, I think there are some baby steps and growth that’s happened within the past couple months.

I hope this fall season will treat you all well. thanks y’all.

-hikae

Dating Apps Reboot: Okay, I guess I’ll try to be more intentional with dating

This is kind of funny, but I’m trying to re-vamp my dating approach. My past dating approach was very fear driven, half-assed, and not intentional. I was basically dating for the sake of dating, and learning how to be in the flow of things.

So moving forward, I’m going to try my best to be a bit more intentional. I realized that I also need to state my boundaries clearly so that I’m not floundering about during the app talking stage or during hangouts. I need these for myself, but hey it might be helpful for other people who are just starting to date in their mid-20’s. (Also this doesn’t include how to create a profile but how you present yourself is pretty important too.)

1. Choosing who to swipe right on:

• you have to find the person attractive (something needs to attract you to their profile, either their prompt or their pictures). If a prompt attracts you, do their pictures attract you? Do the pictures at least not repulse you or turn you off in any way? And if their pictures attract you, are you at least curious about them as a person?
• DO NOT SWIPE if you think they are simply “nice”. There needs to be something attracting you to the profile.

2. Conversations

• Do NOT give your number out until yall meet and you like this person. You can offer instagram if they want lol. (I’ve been so tempted to give it out anyway to really cute guys but I stick to my boundary).
• Do you get excited talking to them? are they mildly funny? are they interesting? Do you want to get to know them a bit more?
• Are they respectful, do they put in some type of effort?
• If yes then go meet.
• If there’s nothing aside from them being nice, then it’s up to you girl…just be intentional

3. Meeting

• before you agree to meet, are you excited to meet them? Are you curious about them? Instead of thinking, I wouldn’t mind meeting them, are you thinking, wow how fun to see them in person!
• If you do decide to meet, do you want to do something fun or eat. (I do not want to eat anymore. I am bored of eating.)
• Confirm date and time, then confirm again the day of. So simple but im telling you there are some dumb af people out there. And I’m saying this out of experience.

4. And onto the actual first meet up (I feel so weird saying date but whatever):

1. Let yourself be nervous. That’s okay. This is a complete stranger that you’re supposed to have a good time with. What a weird pressure.
2. But also realize…this is just a random stranger. No need to take it super super seriously, take it as a vibe check.
3. Have fun!!!! Share stories like you’re with a friend!!! I think I find myself answering questions without really delving into a story and that makes it super dry and boring. Idk why I do that lol. I do that with new friends too.
4. You’re on a floating rock.
5. Listen to badass music. You’re fine. You’re cute, witty, and normal. What more can they ask for lmao.

5. processing the meet up:

Use these 8 questions to process how you feel. I also have example answers from an actual meet up I had this past weekend:

1. What side of me did they bring out?

My extroverted relaxed self. A little annoyed that I had to take the lead for some parts of the meet up such as problem solving how to use the bathroom. I was not flirty at all which is fine considering it’s the first time we’ve met lol. I think I was able to be completely myself though.
2. How did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between?

Pretty relaxed. I felt very awkward and stiff at first as I am with anyone who is new.
3. Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?

Energized. I love talking but I also felt like something was lacking. Afterwards I just wanted to keep talking to someone else.
4. Is there something about them I’m curious about? No.
5. Did they make me laugh? No.
6. Did I feel heard?

Kind of? Not really. I think he agreed a lot and there was a lot of interest and thought processing going on in his head. Very very similar to who I am with new people or in groups. I just felt like we would peddle past conversation topics without really even sharing stories.
7. Did I feel attractive in their presence?

yeah LOL. that was nice.
8. Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

I was mildly bored tbh. I think he was pretty good at conversation but i also…didn’t care for it much. In terms of thinking of topics he did pretty well, but it almost felt like we were going off of small talk texting questions rather than really conversing naturally if that makes sense. I think he would be a good friend though bc of how similar our thoughts were. but yes i was bored-ish.

Ultimately I gave this guy a no thanks message. I was not very physically attracted, conversation was all right, the logistics of driving to each other was rough, and ultimately not something I was open to putting energy into.

He sent a really cringe text and I felt so bad for him that I ended it quickly. No need to continue.

Glad it was a safe time, and hopefully he gained some experience in going out for dates. He was so nervous I felt awful.

Well, wish me luck I’m meeting someone tomorrow lol. May those dating in their twenties find light and love bc it is ROUGH out here.

-hikae

Life Update: Our 20’s are just going to be consistently hard huh?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m experiencing a lot of beautiful moments. I went to a super fun concert, hung out with friends, finished my fun ceramics piece, and overall have had such warm laughter scattered throughout my month.

BUT, goddamn our 20’s are hard. There are so many questions that are left unanswered. What career am I really supposed to take on that will both be enjoyable and can support me in the future? Is it really the right time to be dating? What can I do to work on my confidence, self-worth, and finally get myself to stop procrastinating and start doing?

So many things bouncing in my head.

But first let’s go with how I’m doing with my job.

I think I’m realizing that the mental health field is not for me. My job is hard and I’m not having a great time learning what I have to learn. I feel overwhelmed, very anxious and sad, lost and confused. I don’t regret this job at all though because it’s helping me realize that mental health is not for me. I think I need to re-pivot to education or something along the lines of a guidance counselor.

It sucks realizing I don’t like this job. Deep in my heart I always knew since college that I can’t do mental health. I’m more of an academic counselor/advisor person, but I don’t know why I never tried to go that route. What did I have against that route? I don’t know. I guess become a therapist with a private practice seemed more impressive than a high school counselor, but look how unhappy I’m being at the moment. Why do I let the supposed societal expectations weigh over me? I don’t know.

Man, it’s hard not liking my new job though. It’s been half a year and I don’t really like what I’m doing. I’m not interested in it, my hearts not in it, it’s not fun. Not that a job has to necessarily be fun, but I’m scraping by not even doing the bare minimum at this point.

My resolute confirmation that the mental health field is not for me is when my coworker stopped me in my tracks by asking a really simple question:

Do you like mental health?

And it took me a long time to answer, which was an answer in itself.

I don’t. Not really no.

Do I think it’s important? Yes. I’m I passionate about it? Not really. Maybe even the opposite. I think it drains me.

So how frustrating is that? I can’t do teaching because I hate disciplining children, I can’t do mental health because it drains me too, then what can I do?

I really liked creating lesson plans for kids, so I’m thinking something along the lines of curriculum making. I’m not sure though, if that’s even a reasonable job to have if I’ve never been a teacher.

Something in the creative field? I don’t know if I’m disciplined enough, or if that’s something that I’d like. I guess we can try to find out. I just really want something as a backup. I’m like should I try more behind the scenes stuff instead of direct care? Should I try HR or something? I feel like school counseling would be so fun. Like an academic counselor, but IDK. I might find it mundane and sad too. I don’t like mental health, I want to get out lol.

Why am I so opposed to doing shit I think I want to do. I think i want to be a school counselor. Idk. IDK if i would want to do it in a university though. I’m so lost. It shouldn’t be impossible to pivot to be a high school counselor. Ugh I don’t know. We got time though right? At least I’m trying something lol. At this point while I’m searching for my “career”, I need to make sure I’m picking up some important soft skills. I need to make sure I’m learning how to communicate and work in a team, learn how to socialize and network.

After a couple days though, I’m glad I figured it out this quick. I keep thinking that maybe if I start a program on the track to becoming a therapist I’ll somehow grow to like it more, because right now I’m just the grunt work. I think its the opposite though. I should be really really interested in learning more and moving up right now.

And boy do I want to jump ship just getting a taste.

I will pivot to working in universities again. And if I don’t like that, then whatever pivot again lol. I’m 24, I got time. As long as I’m doing my best to use my time wisely, to explore what I need to explore, then all is well. We’re doing the best with what we know now.

Our 20’s feel like a jumble of blegh. A big ball of “I have no fucking clue”. A slap of “what the fuck is going on”. A saucy bowl of “close our eyes and hope for the best”. A parade of “I’m just going to laugh bc I don’t know any better”.

It’s just a weird march of jazz hands and nervous laughter with a dash of dark anxiety.

Life is weird.

And dating in your 20s when you’ve never dated in your life?

Good god a shit show.

I think it’s a shit show either way, experience or no experience. It’s a series of: “Should I give this guy a chance just because he’s nice and gives me attention or is settling a big no no?”

Or “ah yes ghosted again”. Or “the guy didn’t like ME?!”

Dating feels like several ping pong balls in a jar with small dots of velcro attached and you have to violently shake it until another ping pong ball sticks to yours.

Dating is just probability and patience. Lot’s and lots and lots and lots of patience I guess.

BUT you have to keep shaking that jar bc if you don’t shake it, then the ping pong balls lay dormant and you won’t meet people. And it something does stick, it might not be the best fit. Or maybe the ping pong balls will stick and violently tear off, or slip off, or ghost off… LOL

So off to shaking the dating jar again. Even though your arms are tired and you would rather watch Netflix than aggressively try to do a million ice breakers again.

Do my metaphors make sense? Well they do to me.

And in between these marvelous brain games of trying to figure out your career, dating, living life, there’s just a lot of emotions I wish I didn’t have to feel.

Nerves, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, frustration, anger, confusion, doubt.

Why are all these negative emotions such a staple piece of my life from the age of 22-24? HELLO LEAVE!!!

Well.

Yeah that’s life as a 24 year old overthinker.

Sometimes though I remember that I’m on a moving rock in space and I take life a little less seriously and try to just exist with peace and contentness. I buy that cute top. I take that short trip with my friends. I live a little. But now I need to MOVE again.

So my action plans for now:

1. Talk to your damn therapist and get a different therapist. I really need some help dealing with my emotions of self-doubt, negative self talk, and brain fog.
2. start formulating your job escape plan. This means finding a grad program for you, finding a different job opportunity in a university, sticking through at least one year of your current job, getting that letter of rec from your supervisor, STILL do your best to make connections etc. Leave, but be strategic and smart!!!!!!!! Learn as much as you can from those around you!! and do your best for the next 6 months. Be a damn superstar!!!
3. Create moments of joy and light in between. We are NOT going to feel sad 24/7. YOU CAN feel sad, hell yeah, but we will also put effort into feeling good feelings okay?
4. Please start taking care of your body. We have a lot of life left to live it might as well be a comfortable ride.

I think the first 6 months was a lot of dragging through the mud, confusion, and now I’m feeling a little free-er.

Let’s see how the next six months of 2022 go! No pressure for great change, but a lot of open-ness to possible changes! WOOOOO!!!

Here’s to the last half of being 24.

wow. ahhhhhhh oooooh.

ok.

LOL

Life Update: Doing a lot of fun classes, meeting with friends, and trying to fill my life with light

If I can summarize how the month of March and the beginning of April felt like, it would feel like the rush and excitement of speeding down the drop of a giant roller coaster, then feeling a sudden pang of disappointment thinking “oh, now it’s over”.

March and April were filled with great moments. I took fun classes like an in person dance class, pottery, and candle making class. It was such a wonderful experience being able to choose an interest, and spend time and money towards something that fills me with joy! Like wow, who would’ve thought we have control over our free time.

While art classes were therapeutic and a great bonding activity to do with friends, my favorite class is the hip hop dance class which I did alone. There’s nothing like being completely independent and focusing your energy on yourself. Call me selfish and narcissistic, but it’s so cathartic to just be.

It was also the month where I was able to see friends I haven’t seen in months! It was a dual birthday celebration two weekends in a row where we sang happy birthday and had 2 staycations. The first was in LA, and the second in SD. We hit Universal Studios, brunch places with really good mimosas, the beach, and of course Starbucks. It was such a lovely get away (with inevitable rough patches along the way), and I can’t wait to plan more trips with friends this year!

Then of course, intertwined with the beauty and light of these charming moments- is the dark and lonely cloud that lingers and spills into the cracks of our every day lives.

I get sad in the middle parts okay lol.

Work has been so mundane, repetitive, and challenging in ways that I don’t necessarily enjoy. Do I really want to do this work? Is this what will fill me? Do I want to challenge myself further with grad school or do I want to make enough money as a random administrative assistant and live my life?

The everyday is filled with large feelings of loneliness, self-doubt, anxiety, and a nice thin slather of depression. Whenever I remind myself that we amplify the feelings we pay attention to, I try to *snap* myself out and look at the good things.

Not in a forced way, but in a way that says “Hey, I get it you’re sad. But what are the things in life that make it really good?”

And sometimes it works really well, sometimes it doesn’t. We have to keep trying though. I know that if I try really hard, I can lean on gratitude more than feelings of dissatisfaction.

This moment in my life, I think I was just grateful to live. To have new moments and memories to look back on and say, “hey that was a lot of fun”!

Even thinking of how blessed I am to have a comfortable home, a car I can drive, a family that I get along with, and friends to lean on even if we live far away-

What a blessed life to have. What a lovely environment for me to challenge myself, grow, and try to achieve my goals.

So with that being said, maybe this past month has been one of solemn gratitude. Of realizing how blessed I am, and struggling to understand why I still feel so sad and forlorn. (I like the word forlorn even though its very 19th century okay, it felt like the most appropriate word to use in this moment).

Living life is a weird balancing act. Every moment we are trying to balance something. Sadness with happiness, discontent with being content, loneliness with feeling whole, business with relaxation, being wrong with being right-

I don’t know, it just feels like we’re always chasing a state of equilibrium and failing, but trying to make emotional amends with that.

Like trying to live a superhuman life, but trying to console ourselves when it doesn’t go as planned. Get hurt, then self-soothe.

We’re all like giant babies.

Okay this tangent is going crazy.

I feel a weird life shift. I think I’m going to start sitting in my discomfort, rather than googling random ways to avoid it.

I’ll see you all in May, with another random life update.

I hope your spring also had wonderful and bright moments, sprinkled into the daily routine of life.

-hikae